The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [59]
Being the brunt of a hoarder’s flash of anger can be scary and upsetting, but remember that the hoarder is actually angry at himself or herself. Hoarders may not even realize it, but by yelling at those around them, they are actually venting their frustration with having let their life become so out of control.
▶ Lashing Out
Some hoarders choose to be alone because they have lost someone in the past. On the surface it looks like a hoarder wants to be alone, but the truth is the hoarder doesn’t want to get close to someone else and risk another loss or death. I see this often in older women, like Margaret, who put on a “tough” persona. They’ll start cussing and fighting and calling me bad names right away. I call this reaction “the rattlesnake.”
Fighting like this has kept the rattlesnake isolated and safe from contact, so she tries it again with the cleaning crew. To the hoarder, getting rid of people is much easier than the risk of attaching to them. From our experience, it appears that the more anger a hoarder releases during a cleanup, the deeper the hoarder’s fear and hurt. It’s critical to stick with the cleaning so hoarders realize that not everyone abandons them.
When a “rattlesnake” hoarder starts yelling, she is trying to suck the cleaning crew into a negative interaction. She is doing what has always worked in the past—get angry, yell, and make people leave. She’s testing us.
It’s the cleaning team’s job to stay positive and not get sucked into that game. The crew might need to step outside and take frequent breaks. Even if the hoarder is obviously the one who needs to take five, I always say it’s me. I tell her that she’s doing great and may not need it, but I’m exhausted and need a quick break. Then I go out and take some deep breaths or vent to one of the other team members (out of the hoarder’s earshot, of course).
Sometimes I even joke about it. When a rattlesnake lashes out and starts yelling at me, I will say, “Hey, there’s no time for flirting. Let’s get back to work.” The hoarder is expecting me to get pissed, so a joke totally shakes up the dynamic.
▶ Pushing for Control
Aimee, the former model, was a control freak during the cleanup phase. She had to touch or look at every single item, even five-year-old old junk mail and plastic shopping bags, which can be frustrating for a cleanup crew. But when Aimee came to understand that she was the one who would decide what to throw away and what to save, she realized that she did, indeed, have power over her situation.
Aimee had been called a slob and a loser for years. To be able to keep her house, she had to believe that she could be a clutter-free winner. And the only way she could learn that about herself was to take control and make the right choices on her own.
When a hoarder starts pushing for control, that’s something a helper should celebrate. It may slow down the cleanup process, but it can empower a hoarder to take control of other parts of his or her life.
It is also possible for a cleanup organizer to control the hoarder’s control. One way to position this is to give the hoarder a choice between two options, “You are in control. Do you want us to throw away item A or item B?” The hoarder controls which item goes, but the crew has controlled the process and the options. A hoarder should focus on letting go, so whenever possible, it’s important to phrase options as “donate” or “trash” rather than “keep.”
During the cleanup, Aimee got a lot of praise about her ability to make good choices. At first she didn’t respond to positive reinforcement, but by the end of the cleanup she was clearly making choices to hear the praise from the cleaning crew and her daughter.
▶ Expressing Anxiety
Jackson, the Blondie hoarder, had a lot of anxiety. Over the phone he assured me that his house was worse than I could even imagine. I insisted that I had seen truly