The shelters of stone - Jean M. Auel [358]
They lay quietly for a while in the light of the flickering lamp, then he raised up and slowly extracted his spent organ and rolled over to his side. He put his hand on her stomach again.
“I thought I might be too heavy for you. I don’t think I should put too much weight on you now,” he said.
“You are not heavy yet,” she said. “Later we can worry about finding ways to make it easier, when the baby starts to grow more.”
“Is it true that you can feel the life moving inside you?”
“Not yet, but before long I will. You will be able to feel it, too. You just have to put your hand on my stomach like that.”
“I think I’m glad you’ve already had one child. You know what to expect.”
“But it’s not exactly the same. I was really sick when I was carrying Durc, almost all the time.”
“How are you feeling now?” he asked, his worry frown evident.
“I feel wonderful. Even in the beginning I hardly had any sickness at all, and now that is gone.”
They were quiet then for a long time. Jondalar wondered if she had fallen asleep. He was just feeling like beginning again, taking more time, but if she was sleeping…
“I wonder how he is?” she suddenly said. “My son.”
“Do you miss him?”
“Sometimes I miss him so much, I don’t know what to do. At the meeting of the zelandonia, Zelandoni sang the Mother’s Song. I love that story. Whenever I hear it, I feel like crying when they come to the part about the Great Mother not being able to have Her son at Her side, how they are forever apart. I think I know how She felt. Even if I never see him again, I just wish I knew how he was, if he’s all right. How Broud and the others have treated him,” Ayla said. She was quiet again.
Her words set Jondalar thinking. “In the song it says the Great Mother struggled in pain to give birth. Is it very painful?”
“He was hard to deliver. I don’t like to think about it. But, like the Mother’s Song says, he was worth it.”
“Are you afraid, Ayla? Afraid to give birth again?” he asked.
“A little. But I feel so good this time, maybe this delivery won’t be so bad, either.”
“I don’t know how women do it.”
“We do it because it’s worth it, Jondalar. I wanted Durc so much, and then they told me he was deformed, that I couldn’t keep him.” She started to cry. Jondalar held her. “It was so awful. I just couldn’t do it. At least with the Zelandonii, the mother has the choice. No one will ever try to force me.”
They heard wolves howling in the distance, and another answering that was close by, but that howl was familiar. Wolf was nearby, but not in the tent with them. “I wonder if he will leave me, too,” she said.
She buried her head in his shoulder. Jondalar held her, comforted her. It is difficult being the honored of Doni, he thought. A blessing, but still … He tried to imagine what it would feel like to have a life growing inside him, but it was beyond him. Men did not have babies. Why did Doni make men, anyway? If there were no men, the women would be able to take care of themselves. Women are not all pregnant at the same time. Some of them could hunt and some could help the others when their bellies were big or their babies were small. Women always help each other when they give birth. They could probably survive even without hunting. Gathering is easier for a woman with small children anyway.
He had asked himself that question before, and wondered if other men ever asked themselves the same question. If they did, it was not something they ever mentioned out loud. Doni must have had some reason for making two kinds of people. There always seemed to be logic in what She did. The world was orderly. The sun rose every day, the moon went through its phases regularly, the seasons followed each other the same way every year.
Could Ayla be right? Was a man necessary for life to begin? Is that why there are both men and women? Jondalar struggled with his thoughts as he held the woman in his arms. He wanted there to be a reason