The Sparrow - Mary Doria Russell [81]
He expected something along the lines of Zenlike self-mastery and Rosaries, so he almost didn’t understand when Emilio looked him in the eye and said, "Take care of yourself, Jim." At first, from the way it was said, with the intonation used to say good-bye to someone, Jimmy thought he was being dismissed. It took a moment to sink in. "Oh. Well, yeah. I do, but..."
"Then take care of yourself more often. Until it’s not right in the front of your mind all the time."
"Is that what you do? I mean, maybe after a while, you don’t feel the need anymore, I guess, huh?"
Emilio’s face closed. "Even priests have private lives, Jim."
For the first time since meeting the man, Jimmy felt he’d crossed some line and he backpedaled as quickly as he could. "I’m sorry. Really. You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked that. Jesus."
Sandoz sighed, clearly uncomfortable. "I suppose, under the circumstances ... All right. In answer to your first question, I can tell you that in a survey of five hundred celibates, four hundred and ninety-eight of them said that they masturbated."
"What about the other two?"
"Elementary, Watson. From their response we may deduce that they had no arms." Before Jimmy had recovered, Emilio continued dryly, "As for your second question, I can only say that after twenty-five years, the need persists."
"God! Twenty-five years."
"The first part of your exclamation explains the second part." Emilio ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit he had never been able to break. He let his hands fall and rested them on his knees. "You are actually in a more difficult situation than a priest or a nun is. Celibacy is not the same as deprivation. It is an active choice, not simply the absence of opportunity." Jimmy said nothing, so Emilio went on, voice quiet, face and eyes serious. "Look, I’ll be honest with you. Priests differ in their ability to hold themselves to the vow. This is common knowledge, yes? If a priest goes secretly to a woman once a month, he may be stretching his self-control to its limit and he may also be having sex more often than some married men. And yet, the ideal of celibacy still exists for him. And as time goes on, such a priest may come closer and closer to consolidating his celibacy. It’s not that we don’t feel desire. It’s that we hope to reach a point, spiritually, that makes the struggle meaningful."
Jimmy was quiet. He looked at the grave and unusual face of the man opposite him and when he spoke, he sounded older, somehow. "And you’ve gotten to that point?"
Unexpectedly, Emilio’s face lit up and he seemed about to say something, but then the fingers combed through the dark hair again and his eyes slid away. "Even priests have private lives," was all he said.
THAT NIGHT, AS Jimmy lay in his bunk, he remembered a conversation with Anne one evening, back in Puerto Rico. He’d been over at their place for dinner, and George, who always seemed to know when somebody needed to talk to Anne alone, went to bed early. It was three weeks after the first ET radio signal and Jimmy was depressed because everyone thought he’d screwed up, or that Elaine Stefansky was right and he had been the victim of a hoax after all or, worse yet, was responsible for the hoax himself. He still saw Sofia quite often at work and he found himself uncomfortable with Emilio, wondering if they were lovers. He felt jealous and judgmental. And he was troubled by the mixture.
He beat around the bush for a while, but Anne knew what he was getting at. "No, I don’t think there’s anything going on," she told him plainly. "Not that I’d disapprove, you understand. I think it would do him good to love her and I think it would do her good to be loved, if you want my opinion."
"But he’s a priest!" Jimmy protested, as though that settled something. "He’s taken vows!"
"Oh, God, Jimmy! Why are we so damned hard on priests when they find someone to love? What exactly is the crime here?" she demanded. "What is so terrible about loving