The Studs Lonigan Trilogy - James T. Farrell [369]
“But that’s changed. You know, dear, doing what we did last night, and our not being married, it’s a sin. We can’t do that ever again until we’re married... and Bill, dear, I love you terribly.”
The waitress cleared their dishes and Studs was glad for the interruption, because he was beginning to become afraid of himself, of the feeling of love and tenderness toward her that arose with her words, her nearness, the touch of her knees, the memory of last night like a spirit seeping through all these feelings to warm them and glue them together. He read the menu.
“Coffee and chocolate ice cream,” she said.
The waitress stood nervously over Studs.
“Same,” he said.
Catherine smiled at him, enigmatically, a smile that was very brief, like a flash, and that he could not exactly get. In it she had seemed humble, and she seemed very understanding, and he could not quite figure it out.
He had never felt the same way with a girl, not even with Lucy. Sure of himself, and of Catherine, a feeling that he was the boss and not she, a feeling that he could do what he liked with her without being the loser, and still, also, a feeling toward her of kindness, a wanting to pet her and kiss her and stroke her hands, her face and her breasts and her body, and to make up to her with kindness for the way he had hurt her last night.
He could not understand himself, and how things had come . to this development between them. And he could not understand how a girl could care so much for him. He smiled at her, weakly and hastily, and he still felt their knees touching.
“We’re going to be awfully happy together, aren’t we, Bill?” she said, and he nodded curtly, hoping as much as believing.
“And you still care for me and want to marry me?”
He smiled yes. He saw ahead how many nights they would have together after they were married; nights and years and years, and he would have that same feeling of being alone with her, half awake and half asleep, in a daze that was like a beautiful song.
“Well, we’ll be married soon.”
“Whatever you wish, Kid. There’s no necessity of rushing it unless you want to, because we got to get more saved up and everything arranged right,” he said, thinking of the money he had lost.
And how was he going to explain that to her?
“Bill, 1 could wait, oh, forever, if I knew you cared for me. But Bill .. .”
“I do, Kid.”
“Tell me that again,” she said with a sort of hunger in her eyes.
“I do,” he said huskily, suddenly seeing himself like the actor in an important drama, as if maybe this was all a movie, showing before all the world.
And there was lots ahead of him now that wasn’t just grief, and he would never get another girl who cared for him like Catherine. And still there was that holding back which made him feel like a traitor. And wasn’t he just getting too goddamn mushy for words?
And she laughed free and gay.
“What’s the joke?” he asked, surprised by her change of mood.
“I’m just happy and you’re a darling,” she said, her eyes seeming to flash. “You look and act so much like a boy, so gruff.” She made a face. “So gruff when you don’t mean it, and you have such nice beautiful eyes, just like a little boy’s. I bet you must have been pretty when you were a boy.”
“I suppose I ought to get a kiddy car,” he said, but he liked it.
“Darling, I’d love to see you riding a kiddy car,” she laughed.
“You get me with that chatter, Kid,” he said, maintaining his air of gruffness.
“It’s not chatter,” she said in mock indignation.
“Say, it’s one o’clock.”
“Gosh, I got to get back.”
They arose quickly and left the restaurant, and the string trio commenced Love Me and the World Is Mine.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I
“Let’s take a walk in the park,” he said, taking her arm possessively.
“I don’t know,” Catherine said, and catching her expression from the corner of his eye, he sensed that she had guessed what was on his mind.
Ahead of them at the Stony Island corner were passing people, automobiles and street cars with a brightly illuminated Nation Oil Company filling station in the back-ground.