The Trail to Buddha's Mirror - Don Winslow [123]
“I love you.”
“I know.”
In a lifetime of questions it was the hardest one.
“Do you love me back?”
She looked him in the eyes, and it was heartbreak and grace at the same time. “Yes.”
“You’re breaking my heart.”
“I know this, too.”
“How can you send me away?”
“To save our lives.”
“I’ll risk it.”
“To save our souls.”
He saw himself in her eyes. Buddha’s Mirror.
“It is still dark out,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“We have some time.”
He shrugged.
She slid down and took him in her mouth. He tried to focus on his anger and hurt, but soon he turned her around and then he was drinking from her. Then he entered her and they laid side by side.
“Tell me,” he said.
“I love you.”
“Say it in Chinese.”
“Wo ai ni, Neal.”
“Wo ai ni, Lan.”
Their world erupted into the clouds and the rain before they fell asleep. He woke up a while later and listened to her breathing.
Li Lan’s life for my silence, he thought. The Book of Joe Graham, Chapter Eight, Verse Five: Every undercover operation ends in a betrayal. I wonder if Graham expected this one to end in me betraying him and Friends.
It was still dark when he woke her up.
“It’s no good,” he said.
“What is no good?” she mumbled sleepily.
“I have to hear it from him.”
“You are having a dream. Go back to sleep.”
I wish I could, Li. I wish I could put my conscience to sleep, make love with you once more before dawn, and then sleepwalk my way through the rest of this deal. But it is no good. I have to hear from Pendleton that he wants to stay. I was sent to save him from his infatuation, and that’s what I still have to do.
“I have to talk with Pendleton myself.”
“Not possible.”
“He has to tell me himself that he wants to give the rest of his life to this little 4-H project you have cooked up for him.”
She reached between his legs and stroked him. “Do not be so silly.”
He grabbed her wrist and held it still. “Take me to him. Let me talk to him alone for five minutes. If he still wants to stay, okay. I’ll go home and keep my mouth shut. Word of honor.”
He could feel the muscles in her wrist tighten against his hand.
“What if he says he wants to leave?” she asked.
“Will he?”
“No.”
“Then why bring it up?”
She snatched her wrist away and sat up. “What if?”
He looked at the sudden anger in her eyes. It looked odd against her sleepy face and tousled hair.
“Then I have to try to take him home,” Neal answered.
“You do not trust me,” she said.
“Don’t take it personally. I don’t trust anyone.”
He watched as her angry glare turned thoughtful. Then the look became seductive. She was an actress changing emotions for the camera.
“Go home tomorrow,” she said. “I will visit you once a year. For a week in San Francisco. Every year until you are tired of me.”
We’re right back in the hot tub, he thought. Nothing’s changed, including the sorry fact that I want to say yes.
“That’s sick and desperate,” he said.
She jumped out of the bed and grabbed her clothes, throwing them on as she spoke.
“You are the person who is sick and desperate,” she said. “You chase, chase, chase—then, when you are given what you chase, you do not accept. Answers … truth … me. I make this offer to make you happy … to make me happy. Never mind. You have no choice. You do not know where Robert is, where I go. You cannot chase anymore.”
“Lan, I—”
“Go home! That is all! If you say what you know, I will die! Do what you want!”
She stormed out the door.
It took him a few seconds to get his shirt and pants on and follow her. It was still dark and foggy and he could just see her as she passed through the gate into the garden. He ran down the stairs and across the little bridge. When he got through the gate she was gone.
All he could see was fog and the eerie shapes of the garden statues: dragons, birds, and giant frogs. He could hear footsteps ahead of him and he followed the sound. The garden was a maze.
When in doubt, Neal thought, go to Buddha. The gigantic head was about the only thing he could