The Trial [199]
lost, so I thought of setting out as soon as I hear my father is on his way back.' 'Not waiting to see Leonard?' 'I did see him not a month ago. Besides--' and his voice came to a sudden end. 'Yes, the first news,' said Ethel. 'Indeed it is due to you, Tom.' Ten minutes more of silence. 'Ethel, did she ever tell you?' 'Never,' said Ethel, her heart beating. 'Then how did you know all about it?' 'I didn't know. I only saw--' 'Saw what?' 'That you were very much distressed.' 'And very kind and rational you were about it,' said Tom, warmly; 'I never thought any woman could have guessed so much, without making mischief. But you must not put any misconstruction on my present intention. All I mean to do as yet is to induce Henry to remove them out of that dismal swamp, and bring them home to comfort and civilization. Then it may be time to--' He became silent; and Ethel longed ardently to ask further, but still she durst not, and he presently began again. 'Ethel, was I very intolerable that winter of the volunteers, when Harry was at home?' 'You are very much improved since,' she answered. 'That's just like Flora. Answer like yourself.' 'Well, you were! You were terribly rampant in Eton refinement, and very anxious to hinder all the others from making fools of themselves.' 'I remember! I thought you had all got into intimacies that were for nobody's good, and I still think it was foolish. I know it has done for me! Well,' hastily catching up this last admission, as if it had dropped out at unawares, 'you think I made myself disagreeable?' 'On principle.' 'Ah! then you would not wonder at what she said--that she had never seen anything in me but contemptuous irony.' 'I think, sometimes feeling that you were satirical, she took all your courtesy for irony--whatever you meant. I have heard other people say the same. But when--was this on the day--the day you went to remonstrate?' 'Yes. I declare to you, Ethel, that I had no conception of what I was going to do! I never dreamt that I was in for it. I knew she was--was attractive--and that made me hate to see Harry with her, and I could not bear her being carried off to this horrible place--but as to myself, I never thought of it till I saw her--white and broken--' and then came that old action Ethel knew so well in her father, of clearing the dew from the glasses, and his voice was half sob, 'and with no creature but that selfish brother to take care of her. I couldn't help it, Ethel--no one could--and this--this was her answer. I don't wonder. I had been a supercilious prig, and I ought to have known better than to think I could comfort her.' 'I think the remembrance must have comforted her since.' 'What--what, has she said anything?' 'Oh no, she could not, you know. But I am sure, if it did anger her at the moment, there must have been comfort in recollecting that even such a terrible trouble had not alienated you. And now--' 'Now that's just what I don't want! I don't want to stalk in and say here's the hero of romance that has saved your brother! I want to get her home, and show her that I can be civil without being satirical, and then, perhaps, she would forgive me.' 'Forgive you--' 'I mean forgiveness won, not purchased. And after all, you know it was mere accident--Providence if you please--that brought me to that poor wretch; all my plans of tracking him had come to an end; any one else could have done what I did.' 'She will not feel that,' said Ethel; 'but indeed, Tom, I see what you mean, and like it. It is yourself, and not the conferrer of the benefit, that you want her to care for.' 'Exactly,' said Tom. 'And, Ethel, I must have seen her and judged of my chance before I can be good for anything. I tried to forget it-- own it as a lucky escape--a mere passing matter, like Harry's affairs--but I could not do it. Perhaps I could if things had gone well; but that dear face of misery, that I only stung by my attempts to comfort, would stick fast with me, and to go and see Leonard only brought it more home. It is a horrid bad speculation, and Flora