The Trouble With Eden - Lawrence Block [63]
“That’s what I said just this minute. Or last minute. What Tanya said is that a woman has certain basic needs, and once she gets used to it she can’t get along without it, and of course I’ve lived with a man and must be able to recognize my needs, and what Tanya said in so many words is I ought to get laid.”
“Oh.”
“She said when she goes without it for a couple of days, she starts climbing the walls.”
“How would she know?”
“Do you know, I almost asked her that. I wonder what she does when she has her period.”
“Shhh, they’ll hear you.”
“If that would bother Just Plain Bill over there.”
“It might if he noticed. If he noticed.”
“He might if they showed it on television.” They went into hysterical laughter again. He got hold of himself before she did. It was just so much fun to laugh life this. When she could talk she said, “Peter, are we really this funny? Or is it just the wine?”
“I think we’re really this funny.”
“She wanted to know what I did for sex. Tanya.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I don’t remember. I made a joke and explained the joke to her and then she asked me again. She’s not too good at taking a hint.”
“Neither am I.”
“Huh?”
“What did you finally tell her?”
“Oh, I get it. That wasn’t a hint. I have to be a lot soberer than this to be subtle. Where were we? What did I tell Tanya. What I told her was I didn’t do anything for sex.” She stared owlishly at him. “What I didn’t tell her was the truth.”
“Oh.”
“Just ‘Oh’?”
“If you think I’m going to ask—”
“Then I ain’t about to tell, Massa.”
“What do you do for sex?”
“Ah plays with mahself.” In her own voice she said, “I never said that before. God knows I did it before. Do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Plays with yoreself.”
“Jesus.”
“Oh, I’m in a weird mood.”
“I’ll say.”
“It feels so good. The mood. So does playing with myself. Oh, I feel about six years old. I feel like Robin-Lobin. You better teach her another game, incidentally.”
“I know.”
“Because it doesn’t work with my name and it’s frustrating the piss out of her. Robin-Lobin and Peter-Leter and Gretchen-Letchen, and then along comes Linda-Linda, and what kind of big hairy deal is that?” She moved around the room in little two-steps. “This is Robshaw-Lobshaw speaking,” she announced, “and this is Truth Time! Do you play with yourself, yes or no, you have ten seconds to answer, bong.”
“Yes.”
“The man says yes! Now our next question. One hand or two?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know, isn’t it wonderful?” She plopped herself onto the floor, folded her legs. “Give me my bottle-lottle,” she demanded.
He hesitated.
“Come on.”
“Do you think you should have any more?”
“Well, I don’t think I should have any less. You can’t save wine, you know. Or it tastes corked or something. I’m sure you can’t save Valipo, Vapilo—I can’t say it, Peter.”
“If you can’t say it you can’t drink it.”
“Valpolicella. There. See, I’m not as drunk as I seem. When push comes to shove I make the grade. Fucking Peter, give me the fucking botttttle!”
“Shhhhh.”
“Then give me the bottle. If you give me the bottle I’ll tell you what else Tanya said. Thank you. This is good wine. See, if this was bad wine we would be getting drunk, but the bottle’s almost empty and we’re both sober. Except I am talking very loud. Now I am not talking very loud. Is that better, Peter?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You just finished the wine. You made the wine all gone. That’s what Robin says. Peter-Leter made the wine all gone.”
“You ought to drink this stuff all the time.”
“Just what I was thinking. Don’t you want to know what Tanya said?”
“I never in my life heard her say anything worth repeating, and we’ve been talking about what she said for the past six hours.”
“She said you and I are sleeping together. Peter? You’re not laughing.”
“Tanya really said that?”
“Oh, shit. Why isn’t it funny? It was funny as hell when she said it. But I didn’t laugh then either. I blew up at her and she almost cried, and then I came home and broke up laughing, and I thought you would too if I saved it for when you were in a good mood, and all of a sudden it