The Two-Income Trap - Elizabeth Warren [86]
When the House Is Already on Fire
What about those families for whom the fire drill comes too late? They are the ones most often ignored by the advice peddlers, and they are the most likely to be victimized by unscrupulous creditors. These are also the families to whom this book is dedicated, so we offer them a few direct words of advice and (we hope) comfort.
Avoid the blame game. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, it is tempting to beat yourself up about the smarter choices you might have made. But if you are like nearly 90 percent of the families in financial trouble, you got that way because something lousy happened to you. Maybe your business went under, your husband left you, or you got too sick to work. If you made the decisions you did in order to take care of your family, then, at least in our opinion, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Go easy on yourself; your creditors certainly won’t.
And go easy on your spouse. Your financial well-being isn’t the only thing at risk right now; so is your marriage. Consider this: If your family is like most, your marriage may be more vulnerable right now than at any other time in your life. Myra, a dental hygienist in a small town in Pennsylvania, filed for bankruptcy after her husband lost his job. She sums up the problem neatly: “Except for the financial problems that almost destroyed our marriage, we have a perfect relationship. Money is the only thing that we argue about, but that’s enough to ruin even the best friendship.” Husbands may feel shamed by their inability to provide, and wives may feel overburdened by the demands of bill collectors, bosses, and children. Be kind. You are both under enormous strain right now, and taking it out on each other will only make things worse.
You should also know that you are not alone. There are several million families in situations not too different from your own. They worked hard, tried to provide for their families, and ended up in financial hell. You may not know it, but scattered among the folks in your grocery store, your PTA, your church or synagogue, and even your family, are men and women just like you—people who have done their best for their families and who are now in financial collapse. You are in good company.
Hold on to your treasures. The greatest danger for a family in financial distress is not bill collectors (although they can be the most annoying). The greatest danger is false optimism. We heard it over and over again in our interviews: “We thought Mark would be back at work right away.” “I thought I could work things out with my husband after a little time apart.” “We didn’t think grandpa could go on like this much longer.” These families knew they had been hit by a disaster, but they didn’t respond fast enough because they thought it would pass quickly. That is the deadly trick about a financial crisis: It is nearly always impossible to predict when it