The Use and Need of the Life of Carrie A. Nation [16]
shall not in this book speak much of my love affairs, but they were,
nevertheless, an important part of my life. I was a great lover. I used
to think a person never could love but once in this life, but I often now
say, I would not want a heart that could hold but one love. It was not
the beauty of face or form that was the most attractive to me in young
gentlemen, or ladies, but that of the mind. Seeing this the case with myself,
I tried to acquire knowledge to make my company agreeable. I see
young ladies, and gentlemen, who entertain each other with their silly
jokes and gigglings that are disgusting. When I had company I always
directed the conversation so that my friend would teach me something, or
I would teach him. I would read the poets, and Scott's writings and history.
Read Josephus, mythology and the Bible together, and never read a course
that taught me as much. I would go to the country dances and sometimes
to balls in the City. The church did not object to this: I would
teach Sunday school at the same time. No one taught me that this was
wrong. One thing was a tower of defense to me. I always, when possible,
read the Bible and would pray. After retiring would get up and kneel,
feeling that to pray in bed only, was disrespectful to God. If the angels in
heaven would prostrate themselves before Him, I a poor sinner should.
And right here, I believe in "advancing on your knees." Abraham prostrated
himself, so did David and Solomon, Elijah, Daniel, Paul, and even
our sinless Advocate. Why did the Holy Ghost state the position so often?
For our example, of course. There are no space writers in the Scriptures.
I often had doubts as to whether the Bible was the work of God or man.
I kept these doubts to myself, for I thought infidelity a disgrace. I
wanted to believe the Bible the word of God. I early saw that to close
the Bible was to shut out all knowledge of the purpose of life. Without
its revelations one does not know why we are born, why we live, or
where we go after death. We can see the purpose of all nature, but not
of this life of ours, and God had, by revelation, to make this known.
The Bible was a mystery to me. It often seemed to be a contradiction.
I did not love to read it, but above all things, I did not want to be a
hypocrite. I was determined to try to do my part. I would pray for the same
thing over and over again, so as to be in earnest, and think of what I was
asking. My mind was distracted by thoughts of the world. I said, if
there is a God, he will not hear the prayer of those, so disrespectful as
not to think of what they ask. I never seemed to get rid of this, unless at
times, when I would have some sorrow of heart. "By the sadness of the
countenance, the heart is made better."
I do not believe the Bible because I understand it; for there are few
things of revelation that I do understand. Creation is a mystery, still
we know everything had a beginning. I do not know why things grow
out of the earth. Why they are green. Why grass makes wool on a
sheep and hair on a cow, but I know these are facts. I cannot understand
why or how the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses from sin, neither
do I understand that greatest of all mysteries, the new birth, but nothing
more positively a fact in my experience.
God is not perceived by the five senses. The things that are seen
are temporal, but those that are unseen are eternal. What a sin of presumption
to question God in any of His providences. What God says
and does is wisdom, righteousness and power.
The book of Psalms condemned me. I said, I never felt like David.
I cannot rejoice. Still I felt that I ought to, but instead, a constant
feeling
of condemnation and conviction. This was torture to me. I would
often have been willing to have died, if I thought it would have been an
eternal sleep. My childhood and girlhood were not happy; had so many
disappointments. I was called "hard headed" by my parents. I never was
free to have what I wished; something would come between me and what
I wanted.
nevertheless, an important part of my life. I was a great lover. I used
to think a person never could love but once in this life, but I often now
say, I would not want a heart that could hold but one love. It was not
the beauty of face or form that was the most attractive to me in young
gentlemen, or ladies, but that of the mind. Seeing this the case with myself,
I tried to acquire knowledge to make my company agreeable. I see
young ladies, and gentlemen, who entertain each other with their silly
jokes and gigglings that are disgusting. When I had company I always
directed the conversation so that my friend would teach me something, or
I would teach him. I would read the poets, and Scott's writings and history.
Read Josephus, mythology and the Bible together, and never read a course
that taught me as much. I would go to the country dances and sometimes
to balls in the City. The church did not object to this: I would
teach Sunday school at the same time. No one taught me that this was
wrong. One thing was a tower of defense to me. I always, when possible,
read the Bible and would pray. After retiring would get up and kneel,
feeling that to pray in bed only, was disrespectful to God. If the angels in
heaven would prostrate themselves before Him, I a poor sinner should.
And right here, I believe in "advancing on your knees." Abraham prostrated
himself, so did David and Solomon, Elijah, Daniel, Paul, and even
our sinless Advocate. Why did the Holy Ghost state the position so often?
For our example, of course. There are no space writers in the Scriptures.
I often had doubts as to whether the Bible was the work of God or man.
I kept these doubts to myself, for I thought infidelity a disgrace. I
wanted to believe the Bible the word of God. I early saw that to close
the Bible was to shut out all knowledge of the purpose of life. Without
its revelations one does not know why we are born, why we live, or
where we go after death. We can see the purpose of all nature, but not
of this life of ours, and God had, by revelation, to make this known.
The Bible was a mystery to me. It often seemed to be a contradiction.
I did not love to read it, but above all things, I did not want to be a
hypocrite. I was determined to try to do my part. I would pray for the same
thing over and over again, so as to be in earnest, and think of what I was
asking. My mind was distracted by thoughts of the world. I said, if
there is a God, he will not hear the prayer of those, so disrespectful as
not to think of what they ask. I never seemed to get rid of this, unless at
times, when I would have some sorrow of heart. "By the sadness of the
countenance, the heart is made better."
I do not believe the Bible because I understand it; for there are few
things of revelation that I do understand. Creation is a mystery, still
we know everything had a beginning. I do not know why things grow
out of the earth. Why they are green. Why grass makes wool on a
sheep and hair on a cow, but I know these are facts. I cannot understand
why or how the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses from sin, neither
do I understand that greatest of all mysteries, the new birth, but nothing
more positively a fact in my experience.
God is not perceived by the five senses. The things that are seen
are temporal, but those that are unseen are eternal. What a sin of presumption
to question God in any of His providences. What God says
and does is wisdom, righteousness and power.
The book of Psalms condemned me. I said, I never felt like David.
I cannot rejoice. Still I felt that I ought to, but instead, a constant
feeling
of condemnation and conviction. This was torture to me. I would
often have been willing to have died, if I thought it would have been an
eternal sleep. My childhood and girlhood were not happy; had so many
disappointments. I was called "hard headed" by my parents. I never was
free to have what I wished; something would come between me and what
I wanted.