The valley of horses_ a novel - Jean M. Auel [236]
“Are you saying you’re offended because I didn’t …” He sat back and looked up. “Oh, Doni! How could you be so stupid, Jondalar?” he asked the cave at large.
She looked up at him, startled.
“I thought you didn’t want me to annoy you, Ayla. I was trying to respect your wishes. I wanted you so much, I couldn’t stand it, but every time I touched you, you stiffened up. How could you think any man would not find you acceptable?”
A surge of understanding welled up inside her that dissolved the taut aching heart. He wanted her! He thought she didn’t want him! It was customs again, different customs. “Jondalar, you only had to make the signal. Why did it matter what I wanted?”
“Of course it matters what you want. Don’t you …” Suddenly he flushed. “Don’t you want me?” There was hesitation in his eyes, and fear of rejection. She knew the feeling. It surprised her to see it in a man, but it melted any residual doubt she might have harbored and drew forth a warmth and tenderness.
“I want you, Jondalar, I wanted you when I first saw you. When you were so hurt I wasn’t sure you would live, I would look at you and feel … Inside would come this feeling. But you never gave me the signal.…” She looked down again. She had said more than she intended. Women of the Clan were more subtle in their inviting gestures.
“And all this time I’ve been thinking … What is this signal you keep talking about?”
“In the Clan, when a man wants a woman, he makes the signal.”
“Show me.”
She made the gesture and blushed. It was not a signal usually made by a woman.
“That’s all? I just do that? Then what do you do?” He was a little stunned when she got up, kneeled, and presented.
“Are you saying a man does this, and a woman does that, and that’s it? They’re ready?”
“A man doesn’t make the signal if he’s not ready. Weren’t you ready today?”
It was his turn to blush. He had forgotten how ready he was, what he had done to keep from forcing himself on her. He would have given anything then to have known this signal.
“What if a woman doesn’t want him? Or she’s not ready?”
“If a man makes the signal, a woman must assume the position.” She thought of Broud, and her face clouded with remembered pain and degradation.
“Anytime, Ayla?” He saw the pain, and wondered. “Even her first?” She nodded. “Is that how it happened for you? Some man just gave you a signal?” She closed her eyes and swallowed, then nodded again.
Jondalar was aghast, and indignant. “Do you mean to say there were no First Rites? No one to watch and make sure a man didn’t hurt you too much? What kind of people are they? Don’t they care about a young woman’s first time? They just leave it to any man to take her when he’s high in his heat? To force her whether she’s ready or not? Whether it hurts or not?” He was up and angrily pacing. “That’s cruel! That’s inhuman! How could anyone allow it? Don’t they have any compassion? Don’t they care at all?”
His outburst was so unexpected that Ayla just sat staring wide-eyed, watching Jondalar work himself up into a fever of righteous wrath. But as his words became more vituperative, she started shaking her head, negating his statements.
“No!” she said, finally giving voice to her dissent. “That’s not true, Jondalar. They do care! Iza found me—she took care of me. They adopted me, made me part of the Clan, even though I was born to the Others. They didn’t have to take me in.
“Creb didn’t understand that Broud hurt me, he never had a mate. He didn’t know about women that way and it was Broud’s right. And when I got pregnant, Iza took care of me. She made herself sick getting medicine for me so I wouldn’t lose my baby. Without her, I would have died when Durc was born. And Brun accepted him, even though everyone thought he was deformed. But he wasn’t. He’s strong and healthy …” Ayla stopped when she saw Jondalar staring at her.
“You have a son? Where is he?”
Ayla hadn’t spoken of her son. Even after so long a time, it was painful to talk about him. She knew any mention would cause questions,