The valley of horses_ a novel - Jean M. Auel [273]
“I’m sure you have put powerful magic in these. I did not see deer, but a herd of bison is southeast. I think they are beginning to move together. Will a bison be drawn to a weapon that has a deer on it? I can go out again tomorrow and look for deer.”
“This will work for bison. Yours will be luckier, though. I’m glad I put a bison on yours.”
Ayla didn’t know what to say. He was a man, and had given her more hunting luck than himself, and he was glad.
“I was going to make a donii for luck, too, but I didn’t have time to finish it.”
“Jondalar, I am confused. What is ‘donii’? Is it your Earth Mother?”
“The Great Earth Mother is Doni, but She takes other forms and they are all donii. A donii is usually Her spirit form, when She rides on the wind, or sends Herself into dreams—men often dream of Her as a beautiful woman. A donii is also the carved figure of a woman—usually a bountiful mother—because women are Her blessed. She made them in Her likeness, to create life as She created all life. She rests most easily in the likeness of a mother. A donii is usually sent to guide a man to Her spirit world—some say women don’t need a guide, they know the way. And some women claim they can change themselves into a donii when they want—not always to a man’s benefit. The Sharamudoi who live west of here say the Mother can take the form of a bird.”
Ayla nodded. “In the Clan, only the Ancient Ones are female spirits.”
“What about your totems?” he asked.
“The protective totem spirits are all male, for both men and women, but women’s totems are usually the smaller animals. Ursus, the Great Cave Bear, is the great protector of all the Clan—everyone’s totem. Ursus was Creb’s personal totem. He was chosen, just as the Cave Lion chose me. You can see my mark.” She showed him the four parallel scars on her left thigh, where she had been clawed by a cave lion when she was five.
“I had no idea fl … your Clan understood the spirit world at all, Ayla. It is still hard to believe—I do believe you—but it’s hard for me to comprehend that the people you talk about are the same ones I’ve always thought of as flatheads.”
Ayla put her head down, then looked up. Her eyes were serious, and concerned. “I think the Cave Lion has chosen you, Jondalar. I think he is your totem now. Creb told me a powerful totem is not easy to live with. He gave up an eye in his testing, but he gained great power. Next to Ursus, the Cave Lion is the most powerful totem, and it has not been easy. His tests have been difficult, but once I understood the reason, I have never been sorry. I think you should know, in case he is your totem now.” She looked down, hoping she hadn’t said too much.
“They meant very much to you, your Clan, didn’t they?”
“I wanted to be a woman of the Clan, but I could not. I could not make myself be one. I am not like them. I am of the Others. Creb knew it, and Iza told me to leave and find my own kind. I didn’t want to go, but I had to leave and I can never go back. I am cursed with death. I am dead.”
Jondalar wasn’t sure what she meant, but a chill raised his small hairs when she said it. She drew a deep breath before she continued.
“I did not remember the woman I was born to, or my life before the Clan. I tried, but I could not imagine a man of the Others, a man like me. Now, when I try to imagine others, I can only see you. You are the first of my own kind I have ever seen, Jondalar. No matter what happens, I will never forget you.” Ayla stopped, feeling she had said too much. She got up. “If we are going hunting in the morning, I think we should get some sleep.”
Jondalar knew she had been raised by flatheads and lived alone in the valley after she left them, but until she said it, he didn’t fully understand that he was the first. It disturbed him to think he represented all his people, and he wasn’t proud of the way he had done it.