The Vampire Armand - Anne Rice [166]
“Noooo, don’t take me now!” I screamed. But an immense and empty blackness swallowed the sound.
I was flying, weightless, with my burnt black limbs outstretched, and in a Hell of excruciating pain. This cannot be my body, I sobbed, seeing the black flesh sealed to my muscles like leather, seeing every tendon of my arms, my fingernails bent and blackened like bits of burnt horn. No, not my body, I cried, Oh, Mother help me, help me! Benjamin, help me …
I began to fall. Oh, there was no one who could help me now but one Being.
“God, give me the courage,” I cried. “God if it’s begun, give me the courage, God, I can’t give up my reason, God, let me know where I am, God, let me understand what is happening, God, where is the church, God, where is the bread and the wine, God, where is she, God help me, help me.”
Down and down I fell, past spires of glass, past grids of blind windows. Past rooftops and pointed towers. I fell through the harsh and wild wailing of the wind. I fell through the stinging torrent of snow. I fell and I fell. I fell past the window where the unmistakable figure of Benjamin stood with his tiny hand on the drape, his black eyes fixed on me for one split second, his mouth open, tiny Arab angel. I fell down and down, the skin shriveling and tightening on my legs so that I couldn’t bend them, tightening on my face so that I couldn’t open my mouth, and with an agonizing explosion of raw pain, I struck hard-packed snow.
My eyes were open and fire flooded them.
The sun had fully risen.
“I shall die now. I shall die!” I whispered. “And in this last moment of burning paralysis, when all the world is gone and there is nothing left, I hear her music! I hear her playing the final notes of the Appassionata! I hear her. I hear her tumultuous song.”
20
IDIDN’T DIE. Not by any means.
I awoke to hear her playing, but she and her piano were very far away. In the first few hours after twilight, when the pain was at its worst, I used the sound of her music, used the search for it, to keep myself from screaming in madness because nothing could make the pain stop.
Deeply encased in snow, I couldn’t move and couldn’t see, save what my mind could see if I chose to use it, and wishing to die, I used nothing. I only listened to her playing the Appassionata, and sometimes I sang along with her in my dreams.
All the first night and the second, I listened to her, that is, when she was disposed to play. She would stop for hours, to sleep perhaps. I couldn’t know. Then she would begin again and I’d begin with her.
I followed her Three Movements until I knew them, as she must know them, by heart. I knew the variations she worked into her music; I knew how no two musical phrases she played were ever the same.
I listened to Benjamin calling for me, I heard his crisp little voice, speaking very rapidly and very much in New York style, saying, “Angel, you’ve not done with us, what are we to do with him? Angel, come back. Angel, I’ll give you cigarettes. Angel, I have plenty of good cigarettes. Come back. Angel, that’s just a joke. I know you can get your own cigarettes. But this is really vexing, you leaving this dead body, Angel. Come back.”
There were hours when I heard nothing of either of them. My mind hadn’t the strength to reach out telepathically to them, just to see them, one through the eyes of the other. No. That kind of strength was gone.
I lay in mute stillness, burnt as much by all that I’d seen and felt as by any sunlight, hurt and empty inside, and dead of mind and heart, save for my love for them. It was easy enough, wasn’t it, in blackest misery to love two pretty strangers, a mad girl and a mischievous streetwise boy who cared for her? There was no history to it, my killing her brother. Bravo, and finished. There was five hundred years of history to the pain of everything else.
There were hours