The Wasps [14]
Get it yourself. I go to call the witnesses; these are a plate,
a pestle, a cheese knife, a brazier, a stew-pot and other half-burnt
utensils. (To PHILOCLEON) But you have not finished? you are
piddling away still! Have done and be seated.
PHILOCLEON
Ha, ha! I reckon I know somebody who will crap for fright to-day.
BDELYCLEON
Will you never cease showing yourself hard and intractable, and
especially to the accused? You tear them to pieces tooth and nail. (To
LABES) Come forward and defend yourself. What means this silence?
Answer.
PHILOCLEON
No doubt he has nothing to say.
BDELYCLEON
Not at all, I think he has got what happened once to Thucydides in
court; his jaws suddenly set fast. Get away! I will undertake your
defence.-Gentlemen of the jury, it is a difficult thing to speak for a
dog who has been calumniated, but nevertheless I will try. He is a
good dog, and he chases wolves finely.
PHILOCLEON
He is a thief and a conspirator.
BDELYCLEON
No, he is the best of all our dogs; he is capable of guarding a
whole flock.
PHILOCLEON
And what good is that, if he eats the cheese?
BDELYCLEON
What? he fights for you, he guards your door; he is an excellent
dog in every respect. Forgive him his larceny! he is wretchedly
ignorant, he cannot play the lyre.
PHILOCLEON
I wish he did not know how to write either; then the rascal
would not have drawn up his pleadings.
BDELYCLEON
Witnesses, I pray you, listen. Come forward, grating-knife, and
speak up; answer me clearly. You were paymaster at the time. Did you
grate out to the soldiers what was given you?-He says he did so.
PHILOCLEON
But, by Zeus! he lies.
BDELYCLEON
Oh! have patience. Take pity on the unfortunate. Labes feeds
only on fish-bones and fishes' heads and has not an instant of
peace. The other is good only to guard the house; he never moves
from here, but demands his share of all that is brought in and bites
those who refuse.
PHILOCLEON (aside)
Oh! Heaven! have I fallen ill? I feel my anger cooling! Woe to me!
I am softening!
BDELYCLEON
Have pity, father, pity, I adjure you; you would not have him
dead. Where are his puppies? (A group of children costumed as
puppies comes out.) Come, poor little beasties, yap, up on your
haunches, beg and whine!
PHILOCLEON
Descend, descend, descend, descend!
BDELYCLEON
I will descend, although that word, "descend," has too often
raised false hope. None the less, I will descend.
PHILOCLEON
Plague seize it! Have I then done wrong to eat! What! I, crying!
Ah! I certainly should not be weeping, if I were not stuffed with
lentils.
BDELYCLEON
Then he is acquitted?
PHILOCLEON
It is difficult to tell.
BDELYCLEON
Ah! my dear father, be good! be humane! Take this voting pebble
and rush with your eyes closed to that second urn and, father,
acquit him.
PHILOCLEON
No, I know no more how to acquit than to play the lyre.
BDELYCLEON
Come quickly, I will show you the way.
(He takes his father by the hand and leads him to the second urn.)
PHILOCLEON
Is this the first urn?
BDELYCLEON
Yes.
PHILOCLEON (dropping in his vote)
Then I have voted.
BDELYCLEON (aside)
I have fooled him and he has acquitted in spite of himself. (To
PHILOCLEON) Come, I will turn out the urns.
PHILOCLEON
What is the result?
BDELYCLEON
We shall see. (He examines both urns.) Labes, you stand acquitted.
(PHILOCLEON faints) Eh! father, what's the matter, what is it? (To
slaves) Water! water! (To PHILOCLEON) Pull yourself together, sir!
PHILOCLEON (weakly)
Tell me! Is he really acquitted?
BDELYCLEON
Yes, certainly.
PHILOCLEON (falling back)
Then it's all over with me!
BDELYCLEON
Courage, dear father, don't