The Way We Were_ A Novel - Marcia Willett [93]
‘Come and sit down beside the fire,’ she says. ‘Where are Charlie and Zack?’
‘At home with Linda.’ Julia stares round her rather blankly, as if she doesn't quite know where she is. ‘It's her cleaning day and she never minds keeping an eye on the children, and they adore her. I just had to get out for a moment. You know how it is?’
Suddenly her mouth twists uncontrollably awry, tears jump from her eyes and she sits down quickly beside the fire on a little stool, covering her face with her hands. Aunt Em is shocked by this distraught and frightened Julia. Such abandon is out of character. Even at that terrible moment when she and Tiggy arrived back at Trescairn in the storm, Julia was in control, distracting the twins, calling an ambulance; and after Tiggy's death she managed to control her own grief and guilt, keeping strong and courageous so as to be able to care for the children and for Zack. Looking at her now, Em wonders whether they've all been deceived by her show of strength; unaware that Julia's burden has been far too heavy for her.
‘Tell me why you think Pete is having an affair,’ Em says, sitting on the edge of the fender beside Julia. She touches her lightly on the head, smoothing the thick hair, noticing its dryness, and waits for Julia to blot her cheeks and blow her nose.
‘He's been lying to me,’ she says at last. ‘When the boat went into Faslane he said he'd be spending the night with Martin and Angela. They've got a married quarter in Smuggler's Way. Only now it seems that Martin was at sea.’
‘Even if that's true, it doesn't mean that Pete's having an affair with Angela.’
Julia stares into the fire, biting her lips. ‘I asked him once before,’ she says miserably Just after Tiggy died and I was a bit emotional. He was very late home a few times and I knew Martin was at sea then too.’
Em's heart skips and bumps. ‘What did he say?’
‘He didn't answer directly. He lost his temper and said that I was neurotic about Angela and … other things.’
Em is silent.
‘He wouldn't answer, you see,’ says Julia into the silence. ‘He just stormed about and made it sound as if it was all me. That I was jealous, unreasonable, that I didn't trust him. But he never actually denied it. Then Zack started crying, which set Charlie off, and Pete stormed out and said he was taking the dogs for a walk. It's so infuriating, having someone walk out on you in the middle of a row. I can never have the luxury of it because of the children.’
‘Oh, darling, I'm so sorry’ says Em helplessly ‘It must be very difficult for you.’
Julia straightens up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and trying to smile. ‘It's not altogether Pete's fault. I haven't been very easy to live with since Tiggy … since Tiggy …’ The passionate storm of weeping takes them both by surprise and Em leans forward, holding Julia tightly until it passes.
‘Sorry’ gasps Julia at last. ‘Sorry. I've never done that before, you know. Never really cried, not properly. There's never seemed to be the right moment. Pete gets angry because he feels helpless and when I'm alone I'm always afraid that the children might hear and be frightened. Oh God, Aunt Em, I still can't forget it all.’
‘You'll never forget it all,’ says Em gently. ‘How could you? But you can try to stop tormenting yourself uselessly Julia, you couldn't have left her alone in the car.’
‘I could have run home.’ Her head is bowed; the tears stream ceaselessly down, soaking her knees. ‘I'm sure it was making her walk all that way when she was already in labour. I could have grabbed your car and gone back for her. I've been over it and over it, how I could have done it differently. Anyway, it's not just that.’
Em sees that it is necessary for Julia to release the whole burden of her pain and says nothing: she waits.
‘I lost my own baby at the same time,’ Julia says bleakly at last. ‘I have Zack, of course, and I love him, but that doesn't make up for losing my own baby. I sometimes