The Way We Were_ A Novel - Marcia Willett [97]
She shivered at the thought of it. Perhaps when she was old she'd regret it, but she refused to be a prisoner in order to provide for an old age that might not happen. She stood, leaning against the door jamb, wineglass in hand, listening intently; still waiting. Supposing he were to appear, standing before her, wearing that expression she'd seen several times in the last few days: what then? Could they simply turn back the clock and pick up where they'd left off ten years ago? Would a relationship that had foundered once because of their very different needs be able now to survive the break-up of his marriage and the crumbling of all their dreams?
What would have happened to her and Andy, to Charlie and Zack, if their father had succumbed to Angela's persistence? What would have happened to their mother? Of course, there were no children to worry about here … or might there be? Supposing Val were pregnant?
Silently, reluctantly, Liv turned her back on the soft dark night and closed the door very gently behind her. She picked up her mobile and scrolled down to Matt's number.
1977
Much to the children's disappointment the snow lasts less than forty-eight hours. For a few days the high tors retain a fairy-tale icing, pure and sparkling in the bright sunshine, but the lower slopes of the moor remain obstinately dun-coloured, squelching muddily beneath their gumboots and the dogs’ feet. The wind continues to blow from the northeast, increasing in strength, pinching and nipping at cheeks and fingers, but these cold, dazzlingly sunny days raise Julia's spirits and give her new courage. Ever since her outburst, the unburdening of her pent-up grief for Tiggy and for her own unborn child, she's felt a sense of release that is enabling her to be more confident in herself and in the future.
She persuades herself that she should try Aunt Em's advice and give Pete the benefit of the doubt: play the waiting game. Sometimes she feels capable of it; at others she can only believe the worst. She tells herself that other people besides Pete might have been at Angela's that night, or that perhaps it hadn't been Pete getting into the taxi, but all the while the worm of distrust continues to gnaw at her new self-confidence. She remembers how, after Pete's letter, that brief moment of happiness had been smashed by Celia's telephone call, and she reminds herself of what Aunt Em said about fear being disabling. She sees now how much she has allowed Angela to manipulate her in the past – and how she is still allowing it – and she tries to take a firmer grip on her emotions.
She takes the twins with her to collect Pete from the dockyard, knowing that their presence will help to keep their meeting on a light note. Aunt Em looks after Charlie and Zack and is in the middle of their bath-time routine when they all arrive back at Trescairn so it isn't until the evening that Julia finds herself alone with Pete. He is in high spirits, pouring wine for them both, drinking to his good news.
‘Of course, it means being away for a bit,’ he says. ‘In Dolphin in the Attack Teacher to begin with, and then north to do it for real. Let's just hope that if I pass I get a submarine down here in Devonport.’
‘I hope so too.’ Julia speaks feelingly; the thought of moving to Faslane or Gosport with four children is a daunting one. ‘Especially now that the twins have settled in so well at school.’
Pete grins. ‘I gather Rough Tor is growing apace.’
Julia laughs. ‘No thanks to Liv. Learning to knit is a long, slow process.’
He refills her glass, and kisses her. ‘God, I'm just out of my mind, darling. I was really sure I wouldn't be recommended.’
Julia keeps smiling, though all the while she longs to question him about the night in Faslane. ‘I bet Martin was pleased,’ she says lightly. ‘You must have had quite a celebration.’
He stares at her, the smile fading from his face, and her heart beat speeds anxiously.
‘I didn't go,’ he says. ‘I changed my mind.