The Wee Free Men - Terry Pratchett [50]
“Oh, right, yeah, the height thing,” said the toad. “It might not seem much now, but when you’re five feet seven he’ll still be six inches high—”
“Don’t laugh at me! I’m the kelda!”
“Well, of course, that’s the point, isn’t it,” said the toad. “As far as they’re concerned, there’s rules. The new kelda marries the warrior of her choice and settles down and has lots and lots of Feegles. It’d be a terrible insult to refuse—”
“I am not going to marry a Feegle! I can’t have hundreds of babies! Tell me what to do!”
“Me? Tell the kelda what to do? I wouldn’t dare,” said the toad. “And I don’t like being shouted at. Even toads have their pride, you know.” He crawled back into the leaves.
Tiffany took a deep breath, ready to shout, and then closed her mouth.
The old kelda must’ve known about this, she thought. So…she must have thought I’d be able to deal with it. It’s just the rules, and they didn’t know what to do about them. None of them wanted to marry a big girl like her, even if none of them would admit it. It was just the rules.
There must be a way round it. There had to be. But she had to accept a husband and she had to name the day. They’d told her that.
She stared at the thorn trees for a moment. Hmm, she thought.
She slid back down the hole.
The pictsies were waiting nervously, every scarred and bearded face watching hers.
“I accept you, Rob Anybody,” she said.
Rob Anybody’s face became a mask of terror. She heard him mutter, “Aw crivens!” in a tiny voice.
“But of course, it’s the bride who names the day, isn’t it?” said Tiffany cheerfully. “Everyone knows that.”
“Aye,” Rob Anybody quavered. “That’s the tradition, right enough.”
“Then I shall.” Tiffany took a deep breath. “At the end of the world is a great big mountain of granite rock a mile high,” she said. “And every year, a tiny bird flies all the way to the rock and wipes its beak on it. Well, when the little bird has worn the mountain down to the size of a grain of sand…that’s the day I’ll marry you, Rob Anybody Feegle!”
Rob Anybody’s terror turned to outright panic, but then he hesitated and, very slowly, started to grin.
“Aye, guid idea,” he said slowly. “It doesna do tae rush these things.”
“Absolutely,” said Tiffany.
“And that’d gi’ us time tae sort oout the guest list an a’ that,” the pictsie went on.
“That’s right.”
“Plus there’s a’ that business wi’ the wedding dress and buckets o’ flowers and a’ that kind of stuff,” said Rob Anybody, looking more cheerful by the second. “That sort thing can tak’ forever, ye ken.”
“Oh yes,” said Tiffany.
“But she’s really just said no!” Fion burst out. “It’d take millions of years for the bird to—”
“She said aye!” Rob Anybody shouted. “Ye a’ heard her, lads! An’ she’s named the day! That’s the rules!”
“Nae problem aboot the mountain, neither,” said Daft Wullie, still holding out the flowers. “Just ye tell us where it is and I reckon we could ha’ it doon a lot faster than any wee burdie—”
“It’s got to be the bird!” yelled Rob Anybody desperately. “Okay? The wee burdie! Nae more arguin’! Anyone feelin’ like arguin’ will feel ma boot! Some o’ us ha’ got a wee laddie to steal back fra’ the Quin!” He drew his sword and waved it in the air. “Who’s coming wi’ me?”
That seemed to work. The Nac Mac Feegle liked clear goals. Hundreds of swords and battleaxes, and one bunch of battered flowers in the case of Daft Wullie, were thrust into the air, and the war cry of the Nac Mac Feegle echoed around the chamber. The period of time it takes a pictsie to go from normal to mad fighting mood is so tiny, it can’t be measured on the smallest clock.
Unfortunately, since the pictsies were very individualistic, each one had his own cry and Tiffany could only make out a few over the din:
“They can tak’ oour lives but they canna tak’ oour troousers!”
“Ye’ll tak’ the high road an’ I’ll tak’ yer wallet!”
“There can only be one t’ousand!”
“Ach, stick it up yer trakkans!”
But the voices gradually came together in one roar that shook the walls:
“Nae King! Nae Quin! Nae laird! Nae master! We willna be fooled again!