Thief of Time - Terry Pratchett [40]
“The one about the citadel in Muntab and the Pash and the fish bone?”
“Oh, yes.”
“But how did you get in where half a dozen trained and armed men couldn’t even—”
“I’m a little man and I carry a broom,” said Lu-Tze simply. “Everyone has some mess that needs clearing up. What harm is a man with a broom?”
“What? And that was it?”
“Well, the rest was a matter of cookery, really. The Pash was not a good man, but he was a glutton for his fish pie.”
“No martial arts?” said Lobsang.
“Oh, always a last resort. History needs shepherds, not butchers.”
“Do you know okidoki?”
“Just a lot of bunny hops.”
“Shiitake?”
“If I wanted to thrust my hand into hot sand I would go to the seaside.”
“Upsidazi?”
“A waste of good bricks.”
“No-Kando?”
“You made that one up.”
“Tung-pi?”
“Bad-tempered flower arranging.”
“Deja-fu?” That got a reaction. Lu-Tze’s eyebrows raised.
“Deja-fu? You heard that rumor? Time as a weapon?” he said. “Ha! None of the monks here knows deja-fu. I’d soon hear about it if they did. Look, boy, violence is the resort of the violent. In most tight corners a broomstick suffices.”
“Only most, eh?” said Lobsang, not trying to hide the sarcasm.
“Oh, I see. You wish to face me in the dojo? For it’s a very old truth: when the pupil can beat the master, there is nothing the master cannot tell him, because the apprenticeship is ended. You want to learn?”
“Ah! I knew there was something to learn!”
Lu-Tze stood up. “Why you?” he said. “Why here? Why now? ‘There is a Time and a Place for Everything.’ Why this time and this place? If I take you to the dojo, you will return what you stole from me! Now!”
He looked down at the teak table where he worked on his mountains.
The little shovel was there.
A few cherry blossom petals fluttered to the ground.
“I see,” he said. “You are that fast? I did not see you.”
Lobsang said nothing.
“It is a small and worthless thing,” said Lu-Tze. “Why did you take it, please?”
“To see if I could. I was bored.”
“Ah. We shall see if we can make life more interesting for you, then. No wonder you are bored, when you can already slice time like that.”
Lu-Tze turned the little shovel over and over in his hand.
“Very fast,” he said. He leaned down and blew the petals away from a tiny glacier. “You slice time as fast as a Tenth Djim. And as yet barely trained. You must have been a great thief! And now…oh dear…I shall have to face you in the dojo…”
“No, there is no need!” said Lobsang, because now Lu-Tze looked frightened and humiliated and, somehow, small and brittle-boned.
“I insist,” said the old man. “Let us get it done now. For it is written, ‘There is no time like the present,’ which is Mrs. Cosmopilite’s most profound understanding.” He sighed, and looked up at the giant statue of Wen, which loomed over the terrace.
“Look at him,” he said. “He was a lad, eh? Completely blissed out on the universe. Saw the past and future as one living person, and wrote the Books of History to tell how the story should go. We can’t imagine what those eyes saw. And he never raised a hand to any man in his life.”
“Look, I really didn’t want to—”
“And you’ve looked at the other statues?” said Lu-Tze, as if he’d completely forgotten about the dojo.
Distractedly, Lobsang followed his gaze. Up on the raised stone platform that ran the whole length of the gardens were hundreds of smaller statues, mostly carved of wood, all of them painted in garish colors. Figures with more eyes than legs, more tails than teeth, monstrous amalgamations of fish and squid and tiger and parsnip, things put together as if the creator of the universe had tipped out his box of spare parts and stuck them together, things painted pink and orange and purple and gold, looked down over the valley.
“Oh, the dlang—” Lobsang began.
“Demons? That’s one word for them,” said the sweeper. “The abbot called them The Enemies of Mind. Wen wrote a scroll about them, you know. And he said that was the worst.”
He pointed to a little hooded gray shape, which looked out of place