Things I Want My Daughters to Know_ A Novel - Elizabeth Noble [110]
For a long while, she stood on the front doorstep, paralyzed. She willed his car to turn back into the road, but it didn’t.
Eventually she had to go back inside. She cleared the plates from the table and washed the dishes. She rinsed the bottle and put it in the recycling. The phone rang, and the panic made her feel physically sick. It was a friend, calling to wish Andy a happy birthday, and she squeezed her eyes shut, making her voice sound like everything was okay. When she’d hung up, she slid down the wall where the phone was, onto the floor, and sat there, hugging her knees.
He came home five hours later, at 3 A.M. She was sitting in the living room, staring at the blank television screen. She almost cried with relief when she heard his key turn in the lock.
“I thought something happened to you.”
“It did.”
“I know. I thought, I thought you might be hurt.”
“I realized I should never have driven. I’d had too much to drink. I left the car, a couple of miles away. Walked back.”
“I’ll drive you over there, in the morning, to get it.” It was meaningless trivia. He shook the offer off distractedly.
He sat down on the sofa, not next to her, but as far away as possible. He wasn’t looking at her.
“What was his name?”
“Chris. Does it matter?”
“I think I’m entitled to ask you anything I want, don’t you?” He didn’t sound like himself. She hoped he wasn’t going to ask about the sex. She didn’t think she could bear to say it. She remembered when she’d extracted every infinitesimal detail about Karen from him. She had thought it would help. But it hadn’t.
“Andy…”
“You know what?” He slapped both his thighs, with open palms. It was a strange gesture. “I thought I had lots to say to you…when I was sitting in the car. My mind was racing with things I wanted to say to you, in fact. But now I don’t. I can’t think of a single word to say to you.”
She hadn’t expected that, and she had no idea how to react to it.
“I don’t want to see you, for a while.”
Lisa was frightened.
“I think one of us should go and stay somewhere else.”
“I’ll go. This is my fault. And Cee Cee…” She wanted him to know that she was thinking about Cee Cee.
“Fine.” He cut her off in midsentence.
He stood up. “I’ll sleep in Cee Cee’s room tonight.”
“Andy…”
“Don’t, Lisa. Please don’t say anything. I’m sorry if I’m cheating you out of your big dramatic scene, but I’m really not up for it.”
He paused at the door. “I thought we were worth more than that. I thought you were better than that.”
Lisa didn’t remember when she’d ever felt more worthless. The diamond, still in its open box on the table, sparkled malevolently at her.
He’d already left when she got up the next morning. She’d slept, eventually, too heavily. He must have taken the alarm, when he went up last night. It was 8:15 A.M. by the time she’d opened her eyes and looked at her watch. She called work and told them something personal had come up. Her assistant agreed to let her scheduled appointments know and to hold the fort for a couple of days.
Lisa filled two suitcases with a random selection of clothes, feeling slightly like she was hovering on the ceiling watching herself do it. She didn’t know how long she would be gone. Then she realized she didn’t know if she’d ever be coming back. She sat on the bed and cried. What a bloody mess. She had practiced telling Andy, dozens of times. It hadn’t come out the way she’d wanted. But she’d still expected that there would be some relief in it, that she would feel in some way better for no longer keeping the secret. She supposed she had taken his understanding for granted. He loved her, didn’t he? He would be angry, of course, upset, understandably. But he’d start making excuses