Things I Want My Daughters to Know_ A Novel - Elizabeth Noble [96]
“Of course. What is it, Jen? What’s wrong?”
He assumed this was going to be medical and took a deep breath. This was Barbara’s department, very definitely.
“There’s something wrong with me. At least I assume that’s what it is. Stephen’s had the test—he’s up to the job. So it’s me.”
“Have they found a problem?”
“‘They,’ as you put it, haven’t had the chance.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Me neither.”
He looked at her, waiting for her to elaborate. Jennifer rubbed her nose roughly, and shook her head. “I haven’t been ‘tested.’ I’ve been putting it off. That’s what’s wrong with Stephen. He’s sulking. He’s been sulking for ages. He’s been good and gone along and performed for the plastic cup and passed with flying colors, and he’s furious with me because I haven’t done the same.”
“And why haven’t you?”
She shrugged, but didn’t answer.
He hazarded a guess. “Frightened? Of the tests themselves? Or of what they might reveal?”
“Neither of those. Matter of fact, I tried both of them, as excuses. They’ve worn thin, of course….”
“Then why?”
“I don’t want to have a baby.” He wasn’t expecting to hear that.
“At all?”
“With Stephen.”
“Oh.”
“Yes. Oh.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because if I have a baby with Stephen, I’ll have to stay with Stephen. And I’m not sure that staying with Stephen is what I want to do.”
“Right.”
“So, you see, this not being able to get pregnant, this thing that is supposed to be, like, absolutely the worst thing that can happen to a woman like me, is actually a gift. And I don’t want to go to the doctor, and get in the stirrups, and let them poke and prod and probe me, because my greatest fear is that they might actually find out what is wrong with me and they might actually be able to fix it, and then I won’t have anything left to hide behind and I’ll have to tell him. That I don’t want to have a baby with him. Because I’m not sure that I want to stay with him.”
Mark didn’t speak at once, and Jennifer laughed a red wine laugh. “So I’m the happiest infertile woman in England, you see. Except for being so unhappy, that is….”
“And Stephen doesn’t know any of this? How you’re feeling?”
“Now that’s a good question, Mark. Does Stephen know any of this? I’m not sure. He knows things aren’t right. Any idiot can see that. But he chooses to believe, I think, that it’s all because we don’t have a baby. This baby, this nonexistent baby, he thinks, can fix all that ails us. Hence the sulking. I’m stopping it from happening, of course. I’m standing stubbornly in the way of all our future happiness, which lies vested in one teeny tiny six-pound baby that isn’t even born. Isn’t that daft? Isn’t that the craziest thing you ever heard?”
“Jen—if he loves you, of course he wants the two of you to have a baby. Like it or not, it’s the next logical step, for most of us. Babies are a physical manifestation of your love for each other.”
“A love I’m not at all sure I still feel.”
“That’s a separate issue. I don’t think you can blame him for being angry at you for not seeing the doctor, if he doesn’t know how you feel. And even if he knows things aren’t all perfect—I mean, he wouldn’t be the first person to think having a baby can fix things. And I’m not sure he’s all wrong, to be honest. It doesn’t always work, granted. It didn’t work for your mum and Donald, I know. But for some people, having something else to focus on, someone else—that can change things a lot, for the better. I’m sure…”
“Mum and Donald?” There was a strange new look on Jennifer’s face. He seemed to have made her angry, but he didn’t know why. She sat up, a little unsteadily, and leaned forward.
“Yes.” He had no choice but to go on. “I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to look at the timing of Amanda’s conception and think that it was some sort of attempt, by one or both of them, to hold their marriage together.”
“That’s what she told you?” Jennifer’s tone was almost accusatory.
“She never talked about it much, to tell you the truth. We left the past where it belonged, when we got together. But I think it’s pretty obvious….”
“You do, do you?” Now it