Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [48]
Jill and I didn’t meet cute and we certainly didn’t break up neat. In fact, we never saw or spoke to each other again. But in the years that followed, I came to realize it most certainly wasn’t all her fault. In fact, it may be no more appropriate for her to ask for my forgiveness than it is for me to ask for hers. But I’m the one writing, so I get to do both. And, in the same way military cadets eventually thank their drillmasters for their cruel tutelage, I offer my gratitude. Everybody gets crushed. For the lucky ones it only happens once.
Lesson#19
You Can Encapsulate Feelings of Regret, Panic, and Desperation in a Two-and-a-Half-Minute Pop Song
by Adam Schlesinger, Professional Songwriter
As a professional songwriter, it is my job to vividly portray the minutest details of human relationships quickly and accurately. Complex emotions must be captured in a few simple couplets. How, you ask, can this be done? Well, first one must have something meaningful to write about. And then one must learn The Craft.
Of course, I would NEVER use my own life experiences as the basis for my own songs. My songs are 100 percent fiction. But by carefully observing others, I have developed a keen sense of human psychology. Also, I have mastered the use of rhyme, various poetic devices, and even “slang,” which I employ occasionally to give a lyric a “tossed-off” quality. The end result is that I am able to create strikingly realistic character voices in song; so realistic, in fact, they are often mistaken for me.
Annotated below are the lyrics to the song “Baby I’ve Changed” (once called “one of the greatest B-sides of the last four weeks” by the University of Cincinnati News-Record). And, though the voice of “me” in the song may often seem to actually be ME, remember that it is only a character . . . a carefully constructed illusion.
BABY1I’VE CHANGED2
She used to love me
But she don’t love me no more3
I stepped over the line too many times
And she stepped out the door4
But baby I’ve changed
Won’t you come back home5
’Cause I’ve changed my wicked ways6
And I’ll never throw your mail away7
And I won’t tell you that your hair looks gray8
And I’ll let you listen to Sugar Ray9
And I’ll say I love you every day10
’Cause it’s true
Baby I do
Now I hope and I pray11
I can turn this mess around12
And I search for a way to convince you to stay
And not just skip town13
’Cause baby I’ve changed
Won’t you come back home
’Cause I’ve changed my wicked ways
And I’ll put away my socks and shoes14
If the lights go out I’ll change the fuse15
And I’ll let you listen to the blues16
And I’ll say I love you just because it’s true
Baby I do
Baby I do17
1. “Baby” is a term of endearment often used in popular song. See also: Bread, “Baby I’m-a Want You”; The Miracles, “Ooh Baby Baby.”
2. For the careful reader, the title reveals this song is clearly a work of fiction. Because people don’t change.
3. When expressing heartfelt sentiments in lyric form, it is permissible to use incorrect grammar, according to the Recording Industry Association of America. The slangy nature of the phrase “she don’t love me no more” implies that the narrator is too overcome by heartbreak to remember how to speak proper English.
4. Note the clever contrast of the metaphorical “step[ping] over the line” with the literal “step[ping] out the door.” Any song examining the end of a relationship should include a vivid description of the physical act of leaving. See also: Simon, Paul, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” in which the character Jack is advised to “slip out the back,” while a certain Gus is counseled to “hop on the bus.” (The exact nature of the relationship between Jack and Gus is left undefined.)
5. The song’s crafty protagonist hints that “home” for his departed lover is the place they