Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [51]
You’ve been at the register without saying anything for, like, fifteen seconds now, still scanning the menu board with those almond-shaped eyes that would make Nefertiti herself weep with envy.
Seriously, you’ve been to a Starbucks before, right? I mean, it seems like there are a lot of choices, but most people find a drink they like and stick with it. And order it quickly.
But maybe I’ve caught you on a day when you’ve decided to make a fresh start. To make a fresh start, to try a new drink, to walk a different way to work, to finally dump that boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate you.
Okay, even if that were the case you could have picked out your new drink while you were waiting in line, right? I mean, come on.
Well, you’ve won me back, my future Mrs. Me—by turning to me and mouthing, “Sorry,” after you finally noticed me tapping my foot, looking at my watch, and exhaling loudly. Sensitivity like that can be neither learned nor taught, and it’s a rare thing indeed. The rarest of all possible—
Jesus Christ, you’ve ordered your drink and paid; do I really have to stand here for another forty-five seconds while you repack your purse, the contents of which you’ve spilled out on the counter like you’re setting up a fucking yard sale or something?
That’s right, the bills go in the billfold, the coins go in the little coin purse, the billfold and the coin purse go back in the pocketbook—no, in a side pocket of the pocketbook, which seems to have a clasp whose design incorporates some proprietary technology that you haven’t yet mastered.
I think I hate you now.
(Duration of crush: five minutes.)
Lessons#21 to 36
Things More Majestic and Terrible Than You Could Ever Imagine
by Todd Hanson
We are told the healthiest way to think about life’s seemingly near-continual parade of tragedy, pain, and humiliation is to view each of these defeats as a learning experience—“Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” as the saying goes. Technically, that’s not true—multiple sclerosis, an inoperable disability, or a nonfatal debilitating injury that results in permanent brain damage are just a few of the examples I could name—but let’s just pretend it’s true for the sake of argument.
IF getting dumped is a learning experience, it is fair to say I’ve not only earned several PhDs, but also put in an impressive amount of postdoctoral work as well. So, alas, there is no way I could explain everything I’ve learned, not in the space provided here nor even in the remaining years I have on this planet.
Of these truths I have learned, some were so fantastic I never would have thought them possible if I hadn’t experienced them myself. Others, so soul-searingly awful they beggar description. Still more fall into a Nietzsche-esque “Beyond Good and Evil” category that defies classification altogether.
What follows, therefore, are three unbelievably abbreviated lists—a highlight reel; a mere overview, if you will, of a vast, unwanted body of knowledge.
Things Positive
1. That high school girlfriend you dated so long your young, naïve self is desperate to break up with her, but has such a hold on you you can’t seem to get away no matter what you do? Don’t worry—you won’t be stuck with her forever after all.
2. The average Midwestern liberal-arts campus has, it so happens, at least one budding young radical feminist who, despite her vocal opposition to patriarchal hegemony, diatribes against “the male gaze,” and propensity for declaring herself a lesbian every couple of months, is nonetheless so mind-blowingly sexy that every single guy on campus wants desperately to get into her pants. When you meet this girl, you will assume you have absolutely no chance of ever doing so. Good news: you’re wrong!
3. Sex with two heavily tattooed punk-rock drummer chicks whose breasts bounce hypnotically as they hammer away onstage is pretty much as amazing as you’d imagined. I cannot emphasize this point enough.
4. Fantasy celebrity women