Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [53]
2. Just because hot college chicks are capable of dumping you on a whim doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of reuniting on a whim too. This feels great—until they dump you on a whim again. But hey—then they can take you back on yet another whim! This cycle can continue for not one, not two, but five years . . . until you have firmly established a love/hate codependency not dissimilar from the Miami economy’s relationship with cocaine.
3. There are, always, other punk-rock chicks, fantasy women, and brassy redheads (to say nothing of the actresses, lawyers, writers, and vegan PETA activists) out there that you haven’t even met yet. Waiting, somewhere in the darkness, for you to fall in love with one day. On the one hand, this is as good a reason as you’ll ever have to get down on your knees and thank God for His eternal benevolence. On the other, it is valid cause to rend your garments and curse His holy name. This is neither good nor bad; like most aspects of the human condition, it is both.
4. That whole Icarus-flying-too-near-the-sun-and-plummeting-out-of-the-sky thing? That’s real. Same with the Sirens who lure you to death with their irresistible song, and the odalisque so beautiful anyone who looks at her dies. And remember: as badass as Grendel was, Beowulf hadn’t seen anything until he went up against Grendel’s mother. I know, I know—I thought they were just myths too. But the fact is, sometimes, if you don’t want to meet with a tragic end, your only option is to avert your gaze, tie yourself to the mast with cotton in your ears, or ascend a little less close to the Vault of Heaven.
The sad fact is, there are more ways to get rejected than you ever dreamed. You can get rejected by women who don’t like you enough and by women who like you too much. You can get rejected by women you didn’t even know you were going out with in the first place. And you can even get rejected by women for not rejecting them. But remember, though it’s counterintuitive, basic logic dictates that any time a relationship that should and does end, it is always, by definition, a good thing . . . even if it make you feel like tearing off your own head and angrily hurling it into oncoming traffic.
It is also crucial to bear in mind that even after a lifetime of such learning experiences, you will never understand the first thing about women. Do not delude yourself about this. Guys who claim to understand everything about women are like Kansas school boards that claim to understand everything about the creation of the world—interesting from a sociological perspective maybe, but still, totally full of shit.
And of course, none of the above changes in any way the larger, overriding fact that women have always been, are, and will eternally remain the Official Most Awesome Entities Ever Bestowed Upon Undeserving Mankind. Thus, despite my vast experience getting dumped, the number of times I have dumped someone else is, as of this writing, holding steady at exactly zero. Being what is sometimes euphemistically referred to as “the sensitive type,” I guess I know how it feels too well to bring myself to do that to somebody else—even in cases where it clearly would have been not only the smartest course of action, but also the most humane.
I am showing improvement, however: my last two relationships ended mutually. It is truly wonderful to be me!
Lesson#37
Always Make Her Feel Like She’s #1
“Distracted? Oh, Come on—I was using the hands-free headset!”
Lesson#38
Dirty Girls Make Bad Friends
by A. J. Jacobs
As with every man in America—even Jake Gyllenhaal—I’ve had many unrequited crushes over the years. They’re painful. Horrible. But, worse still, I’ve also suffered repeated exposure to