Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [80]
To Bob Castillo, Jimmy Franco, Ben Greenberg, Sharon Krassney, Anne Twomey, Sara Weiss, and most of all Jamie Raab at Grand Central Publishing: I could not ask for a better environment in which to work. Seriously, I am contractually prohibited from asking for a better environment. I should probably not agree to that next time around. Doesn’t matter, there isn’t one anyway. Thank you.
For their friendship and guidance thanks to Josh Bycel, Izzy Grinspan, Julia Hoffmann, Aaron Lubarsky, Sarah Vowell, Paula Scher, and Stuart Zicherman. Stu’s patience is a wonder of the world, like, right next to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
To my mom, my dad, Nanci, Lin, Julie, and David, if I’ve never said thank you for all your love and support over the years, then this is a pretty lame place to first do so. Hopefully, I have and this is just more like a public proclamation of something you all already know . . . right?
And finally, to Paola Guastini, te amo.
Table of Contents
Foreword: I Think My Son Is a Catch by Barbara Karlin
Introduction by Nick Hornby
Sex Is the Most Stressful Thing in the History of the Universe by Dan Vebber
Girls Don’t Make Passes at Boys with Fat Asses by Andy Richter
Beware of Math Tutors Who Ride Motorcycles by Will Forte
Persistence Is for Suckers by David Wain
The Heart Is a Choking Hazard by Stephen Colbert
Don’t Come on Your Cat by Neal Pollack
Technology Can Be Friend and Foe
Eggs Must Be Broken . . . by Tom Shillue
Women Are Never Too Young to Mess with Your Head by Larry Wilmore
Keep Some Secret Admirers Secret by Eric Slovin
A Grudge Can Be Art by Andy Selsberg
I Still Like Jessica by Rodney Rothman
Don’t Leave Too Much Room for the Holy Spirit by Tom McCarthy
I Am a Gay Man by Dan Savage
Nine Years Is the Exact Right Amount of Time to Be in a Bad Relationship by Bob Odenkirk
A Dog Is No Reason to Stay Together by Damian Kulash, Jr.
You Too Will Get Crushed by Ben Karlin
You Can Encapsulate Feelings of Regret, Panic, and Desperation in a Two-and-a-Half-Minute Pop Song by Adam Schlesinger, Professional Songwriter
I’m Easy by Paul Simms
Things More Majestic and Terrible Than You Could Ever Imagine by Todd Hanson
Always Make Her Feel Like She’s #1
Dirty Girls Make Bad Friends by A. J. Jacobs
Being Awkward Can Be a Prophylactic Against Dry Humping by Matt Goodman
Dating a Stripper Is a Recipe for Perspective by Patton Oswalt
Sometimes You Find a Lost Love, Sometimes You Don’t by Bob Kerrey
Don’t Enter a Karaoke Contest Near Smith College; You Will Lose to Lesbians by Jason Nash
Get Dumped Before It Matters by David Rees
It Wasn’t Me, It Was Her by Rick Marin
She Wasn’t the One by Bruce Jay Friedman
Notes Towards a Unified Theory of Dumping by Sam Lipsyte
Contributors
Acknowledgments