Thirty - Jill Emerson [58]
“Of course I know it.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t especially want a drink, Howard. We can go across the street for coffee. All right?”
We went across the street and had coffee. He had to have my lawyer’s name and address. That was nice, except I didn’t have a lawyer.
“Just a minute.”
“You’re not going anywhere yet.”
“Oh, fuck off, Howard. I have to make a phone call. I won’t go out of your goddamned sight.”
I called Liz. She was back at her place and had just finished turning the first trick of the day. She works a lot by telephone, and gets morning people quite frequently. She calls them the coffee-break crowd.
“Who’s my lawyer?”
I told her why I wanted to know, and she told me the name of her lawyer, who she said is reasonably good. Jason Silverblatt. I love that name. I like to write it, the way it looks on the page. Jason Silverblatt. Jason, wherever you are, whoever you are, I’d ball you for free. I love that name.
“Jason Silverblatt,” I told Howie, and gave him the address. He wrote it all down. “And what else is there to say besides See my lawyer?
“I want your address and phone, too.”
“Up yours.”
“I don’t see how in hell you’re the injured party, Jan. Why come on so strong?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re the one who walked out. Not after a fight, not because I did anything that I know about. You just walked out.”
“I know. You were right before, I’m a bitch.”
“Well, people have problems.”
“Problems. Are you getting married again, Howard?”
“Eventually, I suppose.”
“I mean is that why you want the divorce?”
“Oh. No.”
“Just to get it over with, I suppose.”
“To get rid of loose ends.”
“Sure.”
“There are some girls that I see, one more than the others, but I suppose I’m a little reluctant to get too deeply involved with anybody right now, Jan. Once bitten and all that.”
“Sure.”
“Well, I don’t want to keep you—”
“We might as well finish our coffee.”
“All right.”
So we sat there and finished our coffee, but nothing much else got said. And then he paid for our coffee—poor men, they always pay for everything. And we went our separate ways.
I haven’t even called Silverblatt myself yet. I suppose I ought to. I told Liz I don’t want any alimony from him, or even anything from the house. She told me to take a cash settlement then.
“If you don’t take it, you’re throwing money away. You know what you could get? About half of what he earns from now until the day you remarry, and you’re not going to remarry.”
“But I’ve treated him badly enough already.”
“Men and women always treat each other badly. It’s a law of nature.”
“You know, I think that might be true.”
“Of course it’s true. Would I lie to you? Listen, at least talk it over with Jason Silverblatt. I’m sure you can get five or ten thousand dollars in cash just for signing a paper saying good-bye, Charlie.”
“I looked at him today and I wanted to take him home with me.”
“You’ve got the hots for him all of a sudden? For your own husband?”
“No, it wasn’t that. A pity thing, I guess. He looked so pathetic.”
“Terrific. You screwed him up and you feel sorry for it and now you want to screw him up some more.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense. That’s why I didn’t do anything about it. It was just an impulse.”
“You have to watch these impulses.”
“I know.”
“You take the money. He had the best years of your life, the son of a bitch.”
Maybe she’s right.
August 22
I had an orgasm whipping a John.
I thought it would be impossible to come with a John. It isn’t. Every once in a while one of them gets to you. Of course they never know the difference, because you fake it anyway, so it all comes to the same thing.
I don’t too much love the S-and-M stuff. I had this one a few days ago who wanted his balls spanked. That was what he wanted. I was supposed to suck him into a state of magnificent erection, then take my mouth away and hold his cock out of the way with my one hand and slap him across the scrotum with