This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [1]
If you are choking, please stop it, because it is prohibited.
There is a significant risk that you will be hit with a tambourine at some point during tonight’s show. Also, the person seated in row G, seat 28 will be catapulted later into the small hammock that is hanging between the rafters.
By entering this venue you consent to being filmed, recorded, taped, taped-up, watched, studied, and smelled. You also consent to having your image duplicated, stretched, plastered, mocked, mimicked, misrepresented, and printed on any promotional materials, including but not limited to T-shirts, panties, silly aprons, propaganda posters, pasties, jockstraps, and commemorative yarmulkes.
If you happen to be standing near the confetti cannon, do not be alarmed if you lose your ability to see and/or hear for up to six months.
Not responsible for lost or stolen limbs.
Finally, please do not fall asleep during the show. If you yawn, a marble or small pellet may be carefully tossed into your mouth.
Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you don’t, then be prepared to suffer the consequences. On with the show!
Hotline
OPERATOR: Hello. Awkward & Lonely in Public Hotline, Debbie speaking.
DAVE: Hey there.
OPERATOR: Checking your phone number now and bringing up your file for confirmation. Here it is. Let’s see… Okay… Dave. Dave, it looks like “Hey there” is your activation greeting. Dave, are you in a public place or at a social gathering and feeling awkward or lonely right now?
DAVE: Yeah.
OPERATOR: All right, if you’re at a party say, “Totally.” If you’re just out alone somewhere in public say, “Totally, bro.”
DAVE: Totally.
OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, I’m going to talk you through this party. Just follow my instructions. If you’re ready, just say “All right,” but let it ring out like you’re responding to a buddy who just gave you some really good news.
DAVE: All riiiight.
OPERATOR: Great. Now just nod and smile for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2… and go ahead and say, “She called me twice today.”
DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!
OPERATOR: Great. Nice touch with the “Dude.” Now go ahead and laugh a little bit for me.
DAVE: Ha ha ha!
OPERATOR: Careful, Dave, that sounded a little forced. Let’s see if we can get you to laugh more genuinely. I just need a moment to find some material here. Let me buy us some time while I look for it. Take a look at your watch, Dave, and give me an incredulous “No way.”
DAVE: No way!
OPERATOR: Great. Now, if you haven’t been moving around, try to pace a bit or maybe do a light kicking thing with your foot.
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Okay, I’ve got that material I was looking for. Now let’s get that genuine laugh from you. Remember, Dave, we want people to see you having a good time. All right, here goes: Dave, what is an STD that mountain guides commonly get?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Sherpes.
DAVE: Ha ha ha!
OPERATOR: There we go.
DAVE: Ha ha ha ha—
OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, you’re laughing a little too much now. Try to calm down or else you’re going to look even more awkward than when we started.
DAVE: Ha ha ha—
OPERATOR: Dave.
DAVE: Ha ha hee hee—
OPERATOR: Okay, now you’re going from awkward to unstable. Oh boy. I see in your file that you tend to laugh as a nervous response. Let me see if I can bring you down. Uh… All right. Here we go: I want you to think about how you couldn’t satisfy Nadia when you two were together and then how that led her to sleep with Tim.
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Sorry I had to do that, Dave. Are you okay?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Dave?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Dave, I hear you breathing. Are we cool?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Okay, well, we’re approaching the end of the call. For a party situation we recommend the call be about this length—any longer and you’ll just look lonelier. If you’re comfortable returning to the party, just say, “Okay. Later, buddy.”
DAVE: No.
OPERATOR: Dave, you have to get off the phone now.
DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!
OPERATOR: You’re repeating yourself, Dave. Stop