This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [15]
In what is sure to be a rare treat, Grindler will be accompanied for portions of the program by a man shouting directions, the Italian shouting tenor Paolo Boboli.
Tickets can be purchased by calling the Igor Hindenberg Memorial Pavilion Box Office at 555-7432 or online at www.IgorHindenbergMemorialPavilion.com/boxoffice/tickets/grindler.
Some Drawings
Superhero. (just lying down)
Sneeze.
Christian Beach Towel.
Pony with Second Ponytail.
Clown Flip-Flops.
Ventriloquist Funeral.
Shish-ke-Bobs.
Narcoleptic Pole Vaulter.
Thanks for buying this book, by the way.
TWO
Dad
I have trouble communicating with my father. I always have. I just can’t relate to him. Of course there is the generation gap between us (he was almost forty when I was born). That certainly has not helped things. But it’s more than that. Fundamentally, we are just too different. In fact, sometimes I feel like we couldn’t be more different from each other if we tried. But my father is different from just about everyone I’ve ever met, which is no surprise when you consider his upbringing. He was raised by wolves.
You may have heard stories about the boy who was raised by wolves. Most people have. I know I have, just about every day of my life. My father has always had a knack for bringing up that subject. No matter what the conversation is about, he will find a way to relate it back to wolves:
PERSON TALKING TO MY DAD: “It’s pretty hot out today.”
MY DAD: “Yeah it is. And, you know, this weather feels even hotter to a wolf, because of the fur and everything. Speaking of wolves…”
It doesn’t matter how remote the topic is, my dad will find a way to make it about his wolf upbringing:
PERSON TALKING TO MY DAD: “The economy is really in trouble.”
MY DAD: “Tell me about it. I think they really need to raise consumer confidence. Speaking of things being raised, when I was raised by wolves…”
I won’t bore you with any more examples. Suffice to say, Dad’s wolf thing is a constant presence in our lives.
Whenever someone new meets my father I have to prepare them for it. People often get confused by my dad’s accent, because he talks with a pronounced growl. On top of the growling, Dad can become quite aggressive, especially if you look him directly in the eye. And I always have to tell people not to throw a Frisbee anywhere near my father, because he will chase it and catch it with his mouth, or at least try to, as it bounces off his face.
I’ve always had to be careful about where I bring my dad. He was a chaperone to my prom. That turned out badly. I guess the strobe lights set him off or something, because he went ape shit and tried to maul a couple of people on the dance floor. Luckily he’s not actually a wolf, so one of the other chaperones (my chemistry teacher Mr. Ronner) was able to wrestle Dad to the ground and subdue him. Even though no one got hurt, it made the rest of senior year suck for me, especially chemistry class.
I read somewhere that some parents have trouble letting their children shine, especially those who have become accustomed to being in the limelight. That’s my dad. From the minute he became part of society he was lavished with attention. And, man did he lap it up (pun intended, by the way).
In our town everyone always talked about my father and his “remarkable story.” Whenever anything remotely involving wolves happens, people contact my dad for a sound bite or for one of his trademark “wolf freak-outs,” which he is always more than happy to do for the morning radio DJs and local newspeople. It is so embarrassing. And going to the zoo with my dad has always been a nightmare. You’ve never seen a know-it-all until you’ve seen my father at a zoo.
Look, I realize that his story is remarkable-ish. And I understand that being raised by wolves is not an easy experience. Nobody is denying that. But he’s not the only one who had a tough upbringing. Mine was hard too. Not many people ever think about that. No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised