This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [23]
WEEK 27
We’re craving certain foods, which is fine. But foods that we know one of us is allergic to? And then eating those foods right in front of us? We think this “craving” might complete horseshit. When we mention this to us, we say, “You don’t know what it feels like,” which we find interesting, considering we’re pregnant.
WEEK 29
We’re regretting an honest remark we made about another woman’s body. We will never do that again. We didn’t realize that women in Post-Impressionist paintings counted. But it turns out they certainly do.
WEEK 31
We’re now starting to look really pregnant, both of us actually. This is no surprise when we think of how much we’ve been replacing sex with food. We’re starting to look like my dad, which is not great.
WEEK 33
We’re accusing us of being “too receptive” in our interviews with prospective babysitters. We deny this. (But we’re secretly pulling for the Asian one.)
WEEK 34
We were just trying to point out that we’re not the only one going through physical stuff here, for your information. We had an ingrown hair on our neck that we missed when we were shaving the other day, and now it might be infected. It’s definitely puffy, and it hurts. But we clearly don’t care.
WEEK 36
We’re not sure if the sonogram technician was flirting with us, but we’re definitely going to have a fight about it tonight.
WEEK 37
At this point, we’re contemplating having sex with the couch cushions.
Now we’re very surprised when we suddenly get home early from lunch with Susan, which we were not expecting. We’re trying to explain exactly what we were doing with the couch cushions. We feel embarrassed and sort of chafed.
WEEK 39
When we have a beer, just one beer, by the way, we’re getting yelled at for it, even though we never explicitly said that we both had to stop drinking. We’re explaining to us, in our defense, that we’re not both actually pregnant here.
We just went crazy on us for saying that.
We now understand that we’re “both actually pregnant” here.
WEEK 40
We’re not sure if we’re quite ready to be a father. Yesterday we got into a terrible shouting match with some jackass who cut us off and almost ran over our foot with one of his training wheels.
WEEK 41
W at the hospital. We’re nervous. We’re feeling a little dizzy.
We’re now waiting in the lounge because apparently we fainted when we saw us “dilated.”
We’re talking to the doctor now. He’s bringing us in to see us.
We look more beautiful than ever. We’re both the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives. We did it. We’re also really exhausted.
We’re parents and we’re excited to finally get some sleep…
Protagonists’ Hospital
[Dr. Stone arrives for work in the ER.]
NURSE: Good evening, Dr. Stone.
DR. STONE: Hey, Karen.
[Dr. Stone’s colleague, Dr. Barnes, enters.]
DR. BARNES: There he is!
DR. STONE: Hey, Barnes. You seem chipper.
DR. BARNES: Yeah, well, as much as I’d love to stay, my couch is waiting for me.
DR. STONE: So, what are you leaving me with tonight?
DR. BARNES: Nothing too crazy. Let me bring you up to speed.
[Dr. Barnes hands Dr. Stone some medical charts.]
DR. BARNES: We’ve got a Caucasian male, gunshot wound to the shoulder. Minor injury.
DR. STONE: Okay.
DR. BARNES: We’re treating another Caucasian male who has a gunshot wound in his arm. It’s not serious, though. He is actually in excellent physical condition despite having been in a high-speed car chase for hours after being shot.
DR. STONE: Sounds familiar.
DR. BARNES: Yep. Now, in those beds over there we have three Caucasian males, two of whom were shot in the leg, but only in the fleshy part and not near any joints.
DR. STONE: And the third?
DR. BARNES: Knife wound.
DR. STONE: Let me guess… in his shoulder?
DR. BARNES: Right.
DR. STONE: So, these patients are essentially all fine then?
DR. BARNES: Yep. And every single one of them also has an incredibly high tolerance for pain.