This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [31]
Dear Diary,
What a great first day! First I sold some oranges to a woman who was on her way to work. Then, by lunchtime I was really busy. I am officially in business!
Dear Diary,
It’s been an amazing first week. Selling fruit definitely suits me. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.
Dear Diary,
Something truly terrible happened today. As I was bagging some grapes for one of my neighborhood regulars, I heard a screeching sound. When I turned around to see what it was, a car came speeding down the street. It was being chased by a police car. Before I knew what happened, both of the cars drove directly into my fruit stand. The stand was completely destroyed. There was fruit everywhere. I am still in shock about what happened.
Dear Diary,
I managed to repair the fruit stand with some plywood and old 2 × 4s I found in my garage. It took me hours to rebuild it, but I finally got it done with Linda’s help and moral support. I reopened the stand this morning. This has been quite an ordeal.
Dear Diary,
I cannot believe what I am about to write, but my fruit stand was knocked over again today by a car chase. It’s been less than a week since the first car chase destroyed my fruit stand. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but after I rebuild the stand I am going to find a new location for it.
Dear Diary,
My new location feels a lot safer. A lot of my regular customers have found me and business is booming. Strawberries are in season, and people are buying lots of them. It feels good to be selling fruit again and to have all of the craziness behind me. Linda has been so supportive through all of this.
Dear Diary,
Guess what happened this afternoon? A police car, involved in a high-speed chase, drove directly into my fruit stand. I’m not kidding. I almost lost it when I saw some of my beautiful strawberries smeared on the curb.
Dear Diary,
Another day, another car chase. I’m starting to think they’re aiming for the fruit stand or something. I realized today that I have spent more time rebuilding my stand than selling fruit from it. Linda wants me to get rid of the fruit stand, but I told her I’m not a quitter. Also, I started drinking again.
Dear Diary,
After another two cars plowed into my fruit stand, I went down to the police precinct today and spoke with several people there about the car-chase epidemic. They told me they had more important “police work” to attend to. Can you believe that? If I see another car chase, I swear to God I am going to kill someone. I’m serious.
Dear Diary,
Today a jogger ran by the fruit stand and accidentally knocked a couple of apples off of it, which wasn’t such a big deal. But then, while I was picking up the apples, a car chase destroyed the fruit stand. I ran after the cars until I collapsed. When Linda picked me up from the hospital, we had another fight about the fruit stand.
Dear Diary,
This afternoon, when I was trying to move my car to a better parking spot, I accidentally drove it directly into my fruit stand really fast. In a sick way, it felt kind of good. I’m starting to feel a little unstable. Linda told me I should see a psychiatrist. I laughed in her face and then started to cry. Whatever, I need to get back to rebuilding the stand now.
Dear Diary,
I’m having serious doubts about the fruit stand. And my recurring car-chase nightmares are getting more intense. I went to see Grandpa yesterday. I thought maybe he could offer some advice, seeing as how he used to be a fruit vendor himself. When I said the words “fruit stand” to him he started to shake and got a crazy look in his eyes. Then he ran into his kitchen and hid in one of the cabinets. I don’t remember what happened after that because I was