This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [37]
“I figured I was dead when I went to scratch my arm and my hand went through it.”
She laughed again. “I guess that’s a good clue.”
“I’m George.”
“Sheila.”
They shook hands. The moment they touched George felt a spark like nothing he’d ever felt before. This must be what they mean when they say “love at first sight,” thought George. He had never felt so connected so quickly to anyone before, ever. George knew that he had found his soul mate, and she was hot.
As Sheila spoke, her words floated like notes plucked from a harp, a really good harp. She was in the middle of telling George about her cat when her voice started to sound distorted, like from the Doppler effect or something. The light around George started to dim and he felt a pulling sensation. A moment later Sheila and everything else around her began receding, and then suddenly it all disappeared into darkness. George felt heavy and sluggish. It got very cold. Pain shot through his body. He tossed and turned and then opened his eyes.
“We got him!” shouted a doctor.
“We’ve got a pulse,” added one of the nurses.
The heart monitor began jumping. The doctors and nurses celebrated. Their persistence had paid off. George coughed. The bright light of the O.R. spilled into his eyes. He squinted and passed out.
The next day George woke up in a hospital bed. He found a doctor sitting next to him, a short man with very thick eyebrows.
“Hello, George,” said the doctor. “How are you feeling?” As he spoke, the doctor’s eyebrows moved gently up and down, like well-trained caterpillars.
“Where am I?” asked George.
The doctor told George that he had been dead for almost five minutes the day before. The icy water had made it possible for them to revive him.
“You’re a lucky man, George,” said the doctor. “You’re going to be fine.”
“Where’s Sheila?” asked George.
“Who?”
“Wait, you mean, I’m not dead?” George whined.
“No. You’re alive.” The doctor flashed a warm smile. “We saved you.”
“Oh,” said George. He was visibly disappointed.
The doctor’s smile vanished. “You’re welcome,” he muttered as he stood up and left the room. “… prick.”
Two days later George was released from the hospital. He still couldn’t believe he had died. He’d never even had the flu before, let alone death. He felt lucky, but he was confused. He wanted to see Sheila again.
George’s friends threw him a surprise party. It was a “Resurrection Party.” Everyone showed up, many dressed as disciples. The party made George feel kind of uncomfortable, especially when they brought out the cake and he had to eat his own “blood and body.” Still he was relieved to see his friends, and for the first time in months, he had totally forgotten about Lori.
About a week later, George sat in his therapist’s office and opened up about his recent, temporary death.
“It’s just my luck,” George complained. “I finally manage to find my soul mate, but it happens only after I die. And then I can’t even stay dead once I’ve found her.”
“You were dead for five minutes, George. That’s not a basis for a relationship,” countered his therapist.
“You weren’t there. You don’t know.”
“George, this is your typical pattern. You claim you want to be in a committed relationship, but you always fall for women you can’t have. Remember the Japanese tourist you met at the airport? Then there was the newlywed you saw leaving the church. And then Lori, who always told you she wanted to travel. And now this Sheila, who is either dead or worse, imaginary.”
“She is not imaginary!”
“Either way, it’s unhealthy. You need to forget about her and try to date someone who is available and alive. Stop worrying about finding a soul mate and just try to find a date.”
Sheila wa eating lunch with her best friend, Erin. They’d been friends since death.
“What were you doing at Arrivals?” Erin asked.
Arrivals was typically where dead spouses and random opportunists hung out, waiting to be reunited with the recently deceased or to sell them maps to homes of the dead stars.
“I was just walking by. I was running errands in the area.”