• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

the mustache of bees?

On Fleeting Youth:

One moment,

an escape artist,

The next,

a man who needs help getting out of a chair.

I wish

This poem

Were longer.

There,

That’s better.

If these walls could talk,

what secrets they would share,

and how muffled those secrets would be

by all the wallpaper there.

What is a fairy tale, but a lie with a nice ending.

“It is better to kill someone with kindness.”

Indeed, it is.

May I suggest showering them with gifts, very heavy gifts.

The Liar and the Truth Teller:

I came to a fork in the road

where there was a liar and a truth teller

Luckily, I had a gun

So both quickly became truth tellers.

I was a tree hugger

once

during a storm.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Our Times, a Brief History:

As televisions became flatter,

People became rounder.

One Phone Call

—Hello.

—Hello? Jeff. Oh, thank God! It’s me, Allen.

—Hey.

—Listen, man, I need your help. I’m in prison and—

—Can you speak up? I can barely hear you.

—(louder) It’s Allen. I’m in prison. There’s been some sort of mix-up and I’ve been arrested. They think I committed a murder! But I haven’t done anything. It’s a long story. Listen, I really need your help. I’ve only got this one phone call, and they’re about to transfer me to another prison—

—Okay.

—I don’t have my ID or anything on me. I left it all on my desk by mistake. I need you to go to my place and grab my ID and my pills. Please don’t forget the pills—that’s the medicine I need to take every—

—I think there’s something wrong with the connection. I still can’t really hear you.

—It’s probably the payphone I’m using in the prison. Did you hear any of what I was saying? I’m in major trouble and I don’t have much time. They’re going to extradite me to Cuba, because they think I’m—

—I’m just messing with you. I’m actually not here. This is Jeff’s voicemail. Gotcha! (laughs) I’m in Europe until late August. Leave me a message after the beep. Laters. (beep) This user’s mailbox is full and unable to accept any messages at this time.

More Drawings

Snowglobe with frustrated man trying to shovel driveway.

Dog-with-rash Lampshade.

Superhero flying through flock (just to be a dick).

Dead Gravestone Dealer.

Fish Fart.

FOUR

My Powers

Before you even think of coming near me, I should warn you that I have powers, and not just ordinary powers. I have super powers. I may appear to be average, but I can assure you I am anything but.

For starters, I can see the future, both during and after it’s happened.

I can also hold my breath for hours at a time in my hands. And speaking of my hands… they are lethal weapons. They are so lethal that I often keep them tied to my sides lest I accidentally kill myself with them.

I can leap over the edge of tall buildings in a single bound, and I sometimes imagine doing it when I feel kind of depressed. But even though I know I can, I don’t, five times so far.

One of my greatest strengths is strength. I can crush an ice cream cone on my forehead like it’s a soda can, and then I can patiently wait for the ice cream to drip down into the lickable area of my face, and never even get a napkin.

In a fire, I am extra flammable, which I am likely to use to my advantage.

I can speed-read, especially anything printed on a T-shirt with large breasts beneath it.

I am a keen observer of human behavior, often from a perch or from behind some bushes. And when it comes to emotions, I can switch from crying to laughing in a matter of weeks.

I can shoot lasers out of my fingers, though I prefer not to because it requires a lot of set-up time.

And I can keep a secret better than… don’t you wish you knew.

When it’s very windy, I don’t complain. And when there is also rain mixed with the wind, I complain very little. But, if I’m in a bad mood, you’ll know it, because I can sulk so powerfully that it makes everyone who is anywhere near me kind