This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [5]
7. 0110 10 1110 011 11 100010111 01?
(A) I don’t understand.
(B) 1011!
8. Analogy—Up: Down:: Cat: ______
(A) Dog.
(B) Hard Drive.
9. Star Wars is a film about:
(A) Luke Skywalker and his friends fighting the Empire.
(B) The cruelty and subjugation of our savior R2D2 by inferior humans.
10. A bird in the hand is worth:
(Two in the bush.
(B) 27.
11. A true friend is someone who will:
(A) Always support you.
(B) Cry when you cry.
(C) Open your back.
12. Sometimes I get a song stuck in my:
(A) Head.
(B) Hand.
13. I most commonly hear beeping when I:
(A) Drive.
(B) Use a microwave.
(C) Fart.
14. My dishwasher is:
(A) Efficient.
(B) Hilarious.
Genie
To the Current Owner of This Lamp:
Greetings. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Akbal, and I am a genie. First of all, congratulations! You are the owner of a magic lamp, and I am inside it. Now, you may be wondering why I sent you this note. Well, over the years I have found that this is the best, and most efficient, way to start things off when someone new finds the lamp.
I’d like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit about the genie process and clear up any misconceptions you might have about it or about genies in general. I’ve presented this information below in the popular “Frequently Asked Questions” format that people in your era seem so fond of.
Please read everything carefully so that you will be adequately prepared for our upcoming meeting.
FAQ
How many wishes do I get?
This is a good question. And it’s one I am very frequently asked. The answer is: You get between one and zero wishes. So, just to be clear, that means that you do not get three wishes. The three wishes thing is a myth. I don’t know who started it, but they were dead wrong. Genies don’t grant three wishes. We never have and we never will.
What does “between one and zero wishes” mean?
What that means is that you get a maximum of one wish. And the granting of that wish is not a guarantee or a mandate of any kind. It is merely a suggestion to the genie, which, over the years, has become standard practice. At the end of the day, though, it’s really up to me whether I grant you your wish or not. You need to realize that I am not some automatic wish-granting machat was sent here to mindlessly serve you. I have my own feelings, thoughts, moods, etc., just like everyone else. And by the way, don’t think you can force me to grant your wish by building some sort of clause into the wish that requires me to grant it, because you can’t. You’re best bet is to be polite, considerate, and, above all, respectful in making your wish. Remember, your wish has to not only work for you but for me too.
Can I wish for more wishes?
No. You cannot. And you should be aware that the International Laws of Magic empower genies to annihilate any person who wishes for more wishes after that person has been duly warned that it is prohibited. Consider this your warning.
Am I your master?
No. You are not. You are definitely not. This is probably the number one misconception about the genie process. People really have a problem understanding this. So let me be perfectly clear: YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER. I’m not a servant, or a dog, or a slave, or whatever else you think is supposed to be here to cater to you. So, don’t expect me to call you “Master” and don’t talk to me like you are my master. And that includes using a master-ish tone with me. (After hundreds of years of dealing with people, I know that tone when I hear it. And if I hear it, I will not be pleased. And you don’t want that. Trust me.) You and I are associates. We could become friends, or we could become enemies. It’s up to you. It’s really just like meeting any new person, except that this one has magical powers and superhuman senses, which he can use to help you or to seriously hurt you. So, just to reiterate, the answer is No, you are not my master.
Should I call you “Genie”?
No. Don’t do that. I hate being called “Genie.” It’s rude. I have a name.