This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [57]
“All right. But that’s it,” he warned.
“Fine,” I said.
We moved again. The crowd was ready for the fight. He looked at me. I looked at him and said, “What’s that over there?” Then I ran for my car.
I can’t tell you how much I wish I had left my car unlocked that night.
From what people tell me, I did manage to get to the car door for just a moment.
Camping with the family was a lot of fun, especially when we did it on purpose.
She was sexy. She had long hair and long legs. She had long arms, too. Her legs and hair were the parts that I found most attractive. Now that I think about it, her arms were really, really long. I don’t remember her name, because everyone called her by her nickname, Ape Arms.
You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
The Word Awards
The annual Word Awards were held last night at Vernacular Pavilion. Here are some of the ceremony’s highlights.
The word allege was honored for being the all-time most overused word in television news. The winner allegedly beat the second-place word, suspect, by a wide margin. Allege denied allegations that it won only because reporters are allegedly too stupid to think of other words to use. Allege thanked all the reporters for their “insane repetition” of it, and confirmed allegations that it will continue to be overused by people who work in the news media, many of whom allegedly don’t even know what allege means.
Whom received a Lifetime Achievement Award for its special service to pompous assholes. Whom extended a special thanks to people who “correct others who mistakenly use ‘who,’ ” saying, “I dedicate this award to them, without whom this would have not been possible.”
Sesquipedalian shared the award for Most Autological Word with autological. The winners beat out fellow nominees, letters and nominee for the prize. Winner was, once again, barred from competition for being too presumptuous. Presumptuous was not available for comment but managed to irritate people nonetheless.
The Ensemble Award for the Least Frequently Used Combination of Words went to I was wrong, which was presented by last year’s winner I have a drinking problem.
The word word was honored for officially regaining its intended meaning after spending more than two decades in hip-hop where it has meant “yes, that’s correct.” Word began its embarrassing stint there in the late twentieth century when young rappers paired it with up (e.g., “Are you going to come correct?” “Word up.”) and soon thereafter started to appear without up. Up, meanwhile, had been recruited with in by the very same community, who used it to say things like “I was all up in there” for reasons that are still unclear.
The Award for the Word Used Most Frequently When It Is Not Actually Justified went to awesome, which narrowly beat out genius. Many were surprised that literally was not nominated, literally.
The Parlance Memorial Award, given to the word that is most frequently whispered, went to cancer again this year, continuing its remarkable streak.
Your and you’re performed a short comedy routine about just how stupid people on social networking sites are. Yore, who is famously reclusive, delighted the assembled crowd with a surprise cameo during the routine.
The night’s best-dressed word was slanted, who fittingly arrived on the red carpet in italics.
Albeit won the Award for the Word Least Likely to Appear in a Tattoo.
The Award for Best Comedy Word went to cahoots, beating out crowd favorite fart and longtime champion titmouse.
The ceremony was briefly interrupted by a loud group of nucular protesters, who demanded that nucular be recognized as a word. Spotted among the protesters were idiot and supposebly (who, like nucular, is not a word but is nonetheless uttered every day by many, many people in America).
The Vernacular Lifetime Achievement Award went to invent for coming up with itself.
Finally, the coveted Onomatopoeia Prize went to shphlaah for the sound of a fat man accidentally sitting on a