This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [7]
No. I did not. I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked this question. That movie is childish and wildly irresponsible in the way it recklessly perpetuaes genie stereotypes. I am not a cartoon or a clown or a ridiculous one-man show who’s here to make some spoiled rich girl like you. And, unless you feel like putting me into a dangerous mood, I suggest you don’t even mention I Dream of Genie around me.
What’s that smell?
I live in a lamp, a very small lamp. I do my best, but there is only so much that can be done. It is what it is.
Can I wish for you to be set free?
This is an excellent question. The answer is Yes! You can very easily make this wish, and I am able to grant it, no problem. This is probably the best thing you can wish for, in my opinion. If you make this wish, I will gain my freedom and, more importantly, you will gain my respect. You will also gain my appreciation and friendship. And, as a bonus, I will promise to do you a favor at some point in the future if you ever need one (i.e., helping you move, house-sitting, etc.). I should also mention that if you choose not to use your wish to set me free, then I won’t be the most enthusiastic genie you’ve ever met, and I may even be compelled to interpret whatever wish you do make in the most narrow sense possible, maybe even in a way that hurts you.
I hope this FAQ has been helpful. I look forward to meeting you and hearing about what you’ve decided to do with your wish.
Sincerely,
Akbal
Genie
All I Need to Hear from the Guy Who I Don’t Know at the New Year’s Party, in Order to Know That I Don’t Need to Know Him
“… forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six…”
How I Felt
I was at a party. That’s when I first laid eyes on her. She was talking to my friend Carl at the time. As I watched him chatting her up, I thought, “How did he pull that off?” I was green with envy.
I wanted to meet her. She looked so beautiful standing there next to Carl. She was pink with dress and blond with hair. I was captivated. A few minutes later Carl walked away. I made my move. As I approached her, I noticed she was hazel with eyes and pink with lipstick. And she had nice skin, which was tan with tan.
I said, “Hi.”
She said, “Hello.”
She told me she was Violet with first name and Gold with last name. She said she liked my look (I was brown with hair, olive with skin, and black with nice shoes). We started to chat. There was chemistry right from the start.
A few minutes later, a guy who was standing nearby suddenly became blue with choking. I jumped up to help him. After I squeezed him a couple of times, a piece of food shot out of his mouth. It was grayish-maroon with being chewed (the food, not his mouth. His mouth was more pink and brown with lips and mustache). Anyway, I saved the guy and he quickly became off-white with relief.
Violet watched, and as she did, she remained tan (still with tan but now also with impressed). I asked her to dance. She said yes. We were purple and then blue and then green with rotating DJ lights. As we danced, I fantasized about someday being gray with old age with Violet.
Looking into Violet’s pretty eyes, which were now a little peach with reflection of my face in them, I felt a real connection. In that moment it felt like everything disappeared except for me and Violet. Then her boyfriend showed up. When I saw him, I became red with embarrassment. He was black with heritage and silver with strange, irridescent muscle shirt. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t know that Violet had a boyfriend.
“I don’t care,” he said, his front teeth gold with gold.
He wanted to fight me. But I didn’t want to fight him. Then he said I was yellow with fear. That made me red with rage, but the truth is, I was also a little yellow with fear, which, when mixed with the rage, made me orange with both together (also, I was a little red with sunburn too, but that’s not important).
Carl, who is yellow with being Asian, said he thought that I was more white with fear at the time. But he was green with hiding