Those Guys Have All the Fun - James Andrew Miller [356]
8
Parade of Horribles: 2009 and Beyond
“Son, I don’t relish shooting a mosquito with an elephant gun, so why don’t you just shuffle along?”
—J. J. Hunsecker
The year 2009 promised to be huge for ESPN, and John Skipper couldn’t wait. As wallet-ready “2009–2010 Company Priorities” cards were doled out to employees (who were expected to tote them around in purses and billfolds for instant consultation), three items listed under the EMERGE STRONGER category were meant to seize their attention: First, “Support, develop and empower our people in this challenging environment”; second, “World Cup 2010 in South Africa”; and third, “Accelerate and accentuate the emerging businesses of ESPN mobile, ESPN360.com and ESPNU,” all ambitious ventures if hardly household terms.
For Skipper, the second item on the list was much more than a business priority—he was, as the Blues Brothers would have put it, on a “mission from God.” The World Cup was going to be the centerpiece of his new administration—a World Series, a Super Bowl, and a Final Four rolled into one. Pulling it off would require resources, logistics, and elaborate planning on an enormous new scale, but Skipper was proudly confident. The on- and off-the-air misstatements and rueful remarks of the past were receding ever deeper into history, clearing the way for a fruitful future. January went smoothly. But in February, Scott Van Pelt, one of the brighter and more thoughtful anchors in Bristol, one day decided to do his radio show—as Lyndon Johnson used to say—“with the bark off,” and went after Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig.
“I must admit that my first reaction when I heard that Bud Selig got paid more than eighteen million bucks in 2007 was to choke on my vomit,” Van Pelt declared. “I think I puked in my mouth a little bit. The man came on this show, and he could not have been any nicer, and he said that he listened to the show—which makes it a little awkward to have to say this. Let’s hope that the commissioner is listening to something else today. But when you think of Bud Selig, what do you think of? What is the picture you have in your mind? I’m pretty sure ‘pimp’ and ‘Bud Selig’ were used in the same sentence for the first time just moments ago. But I see a guy who looks like a computer programmer or a substitute teacher or a government worker in some form of a brown suit or tweed sports jacket. It just seems like a ton of money for a man who isn’t actually dripping charisma and who many point the finger at for being responsible for baseball’s hypersteroidal past. Or, if not responsible, then at least complicit for just looking the other way.”
Van Pelt’s reward for this candor was a suspension, along with strict orders to make a public apology.
GARY HOENIG:
The reason baseball does so well is because it’s an amazing fucking sport. Its resilience is incredible. People love the game of baseball. I love the game of baseball. No matter what you do to that game, people still love it. It’s even survived Bud Selig in denial while the players grew biceps the size of watermelons. But criticizing Bud? We can’t say five words about him. He’s got the thinnest skin in sports.
SCOTT VAN PELT, Anchor:
I thought it was important that I speak with Mr. Selig, who it turned out was listening to the segment and clearly did not understand my attempt at satire. I apologized—not the “if I offended you in any way” kind of apology, but because I felt the man deserved more respect than to have been described the way I did. It was a completely surreal experience to attempt to explain to Bud Selig that using the word “pimp” in the slang of the moment is actually a compliment. But I couldn’t expect him to understand, “Commish, it’s what the kids say.”
The best part of what turned into a twenty-minute conversation was that we got to talk about the end of the ’82 season. Baltimore trailed Milwaukee by three with