To Love Again - Bertrice Small [161]
“Once the empress told me that love was a weakness for those in power. I did not believe her, my lord, but now I do. What if the Saxon had not been Wulf Ironfist? What would you have done knowing I had been forcibly violated? What if I had been driven mad by the incident? Gabras himself planned to have me, I know. How would you have felt upon learning that the woman you loved and planned to make your wife had been hurt, and shamed so?
“Your value to the empire would have come to an end, my lord, had any of these things come to pass. I am your weakness, Flavius Aspar! Your enemies can reach out and strike at you through me, through the children I would have given you. I was a childish fool to believe that we could live as quiet a life as my parents lived at their country villa. You are important to Byzantium, my love, and your usefulness is not yet at an end. Besides,” she smiled at him, “you quite enjoy being an emperor-maker. You would be bored raising horses, hay, and grain.
“I must leave you, my dear lord, if I am to save you from your enemies. There is no other way, and in your heart you know that I am right in this. And what of Wulf Ironfist? He and I have lands in Britain that we must reclaim, and a child who is lost, but whom we will find. I cannot turn my back on any of this, though I am torn between you both! Once I said that Fortuna was not kind to me, but she has been too kind, I think, for what other woman has been so well-loved by two such wonderful men? It is possible, you know, for a woman to love two men.
“Had I ever believed that I should be reunited with Wulf Ironfist again, I should not have allowed you to love me, Flavius Aspar. You do not really need me. I am but a liability to you. Wulf needs me.”
“You could not have ever kept me from loving you, Cailin Drusus,” Aspar told her sadly, “but if you feel you must leave me, then I will not stand in your way.” He wanted to plead with her to stay with him. He wanted to tell her that she was no liability to him; or if it was so, then he would take his chances with his enemies if it meant having her by his side. Instead he said, “You must take Nellwyn with you. Britain is her home, too, and I would not know what to do with her if you left her behind. She would be but a constant reminder of you.”
“Yes, I will take Nellwyn.”
“I will send word to Zeno to pack your belongings and send them here with the girl. Unless you would like to return to Villa Mare, and oversee this business yourself, my love.”
“I can take nothing from you, my lord,” Cailin said. “Under the circumstances, it would not be right.”
“Do not be a little fool,” the practical Casia snapped at her friend. “You need clothing, Cailin! I will go to Villa Mare and pack the garments that will best serve you. It is true that you will not need the more glorious clothing you possess, but you should take a warm cloak, some simple stolas, camisas, and slippers, for you will do a great deal of walking, I suspect, before you get home to your Britain.”
Jovian, silent through all of this, now spoke up. “Phocas and I own a small trading vessel that is leaving for Massilia on the afternoon tide. It will not be luxurious, but it will get you to Gaul in just a few weeks. I can arrange passage for you, if you wish it.”
“I think that would be an excellent idea,” Aspar said. Best to get this over with quickly, he thought. “Do not forget her jewelry, Casia.”
“No!” Cailin cried, stricken. “I cannot take it.”
“Indeed, it would be dangerous to carry such valuables,” Wulf said.
“You will need it to help you start over in Britain, Wulf Ironfist,” Aspar said, addressing him for the first time. “Money may not buy happiness as we know it, but it buys a great deal of other things, including cattle and loyalty. Cailin and Nellwyn can sew the jewelry into your cloaks for safekeeping.