Topaz - Leon Uris [122]
“There are some things in the world that are unforgivable,” he said, “and one of them is to walk out on a plate of Sole à la Carton. Alex would be offended beyond repair. Seriously, let her have it out alone.”
Nicole nodded that she understood. An awkward silence descended. André pressed the service bell. Nothing was said until the soup was tasted and complimented upon.
“What about us?” Nicole asked shakily.
“I don’t think we should have a confrontation now. It’s quite enough with the Russians and Americans about to meet in the Atlantic.”
“I’ve had a long time to think things over,” she said.
“Yes ... I suppose there’s a lot to say.”
“When I first realized what kind of life I had condemned myself to I wanted to come back regardless of the past rights or wrongs. I was going to hang on to you at any price ... under the guise of calling it love ... under the excuse that you must accept a person you love with all her faults.
“When we married,” she said, “we brought into the marriage the things which made us fall in love. We also brought in our childhood, our demons, our weaknesses. The things that can kill any marriage if they are allowed to flourish. A woman like me demands from her husband certain rights, certain recognitions, certain equalities. When a woman wins these ... she’s not a woman anymore.
“The man rarely has the woman he needs ... but the one he gets. There are some who can’t do it for their man. A rare few who can and will. But most ... and these are the worst ... are those who won’t. We spend our energy in erecting defenses ... not daring to look into ourselves ... but only to justify our ineptness.
“A marriage asks of a woman ... skill, and just plain damned hard work. And we’re too stupid and too lazy so we hide behind our defensive barriers and viciously repel what we believe to be attacks.
“If I had known I might have coped with the demon you brought into the marriage, your confusion over your mother. You tried to find mother’s love from me ... the love she denied you by death. And at the same time you tried to kill her through me.
“In my final act of desperation I tried to act out the fantasy that if I behaved like her, like two women, I would have a chance with you. I made myself believe it was something you always wanted me to do.”
André’s face became drawn. He knew that in her dark groping she had dared to open locked doors ... her own ... and his.
“From the beginning, André, you closed me out of a part of your life. You threw up a wall and said, ‘I never forgave my mother for dying and leaving me alone, so I can never commit myself to any woman fully. Come close, but not too close. If you get too close, I’ll reject you.’ I lived in fear that you would find in some other woman what I was unable to provide you with. Much of what you call my possessiveness is just plain fear. And if I could not help you when you needed me, perhaps it was because you really didn’t want that help. You were afraid of needing me too much and I might let you down ... as your mother did.”
“So ... none of us is clean, right?” he asked.
“No, André, none of us is clean. I can’t buy back the mistakes ... but by God, I’m going to know what I’ve done and I’m going to make a life, somehow or other....”
Nicole sat on the edge of Michele’s bed in a scene once played so very long ago and believed by both of them to be forgotten.
“Oh, Mamma ... Mamma!”
“Shhh ... I’m here now.”
“I’m so ashamed I didn’t talk to you when you called.”
“You don’t have to explain a thing, Michele,” she said tucking the blankets firmly about her daughter and stroking her hair.
“Papa is trying to hide it from me ... but I know. I’m never going to see François again.”
“It’s in God’s hands now, darling. Michele ...”
“What, Mamma?”
“In a strange sort of way, you are very lucky.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Twenty years ago, if I had started giving your father what you gave to François from the beginning I wouldn’t be alone in the darkness now.”
“But you’ve given....”
“Not really. Like most women I went into it asking, ‘What’s in it