Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh [31]
Even so, any overt irreverence took place within strictly defined limits. These boundaries were invisible tae outsiders, but you gained an intuitive feel for them. Even then, the rules constantly changed wi the cunt’s moods. Friendship wi Begbie was an ideal preparation for embarking on a relationship wi a woman. It taught ye sensitivity, an awareness ay the other person’s changing needs. When ah wis wi a lassie, ah usually behaved in the same discreetly indulgent wey. For a while, anywey.
Begbie and masel hud been invited tae Gibbo’s 21st. It wis an RSVP job, wi partners. Ah took Hazel, n Begbie took his burd, June. June wis up the stick, but wisnae showin. We met in a pub in Rose Street, which was Begbie’s idea. Only arseholes, wankers and tourists set fit in Rose Street.
Hazel n me hud a strange relationship. We’d been seeing each other on and off now for about four years. We have a kind ay understanding, that when ah’m using, she just vanishes. The reason Hazel sticks around wi me is because she’s as fucked up as me, but rather than get it sorted oot, she denies it. Wi her it’s sex thit’s at the root ay it rather than drugs. Hazel and I seldom have sex. This is because ah’m usually too junked tae be bothered, and in any case she’s frigid. People say that there is no such thing as frigid women, only incompetent men. That’s true to an extent, and ah’d be last cunt under the sun tae make any great claims fir masel in that department — ma abysmal junky track record speaks fir itself.
The thing is that Hazel wis fucked as a wee lassie by her faither. She once telt us this when she wis really oot ay it. Ah couldnae be much use, cause ah wis oot ay it as well. When ah tried tae git her tae talk aboot it later, she wisnae havin it. Every time since has been a disaster. Our sex life always has been. After k.b.ing me for ages, she’d eventually let me shag her. She’d be tensed up, gripping the mattress and gritting her teeth, while I did what I had to do. Eventually, we just stopped. It was like sleeping wi a surfboard. All the foreplay in the world couldn’t make Hazel unwind. It just made her more tense, almost physically sick. Some day ah hope she finds somebody who can dae it for her. Anywey, Hazel and I had a strange pact. We used each other in a social sense, that’s the only way to decribe it really, tae project this veneer of normality. It’s a great cover-up for her frigidity and ma junk-induced impotence. My Ma and faither lapped Hazel up, seeing her as a potential daughter-in-law. If only they knew. Anywey, ah had called up Hazel, in order tae get her tae accompany us oan this night oot; two fuck-ups thegither.
The Beggar had been bevvyin before we met up. He looked seedy and menacing done up in a suit, the wey draftpaks do, indian ink spilling oot from under cuffs and collar onto neck and hands. Ah’m sure Beggar’s tattoos move intae the light, resentful at being covered up.
— How’s the fuckin Rent Boy! he rasps loudly. Appropriateness hus nivir been the cunt’s strong point. — Awright doll? he sais tae Haze. — Lookin fuckin smert. See this cunt here? He points at me. — Style, he sais, enigmatically. Then he elaborates. — This is a useless bastard; but he’s goat style. A man ay wit. A man ay class. A man not unlike my good self.
Begbie always constructed imaginary qualities in his friends, then shamelessly claimed them for himself.
Hazel and June, who didn’t really know each other well, wisely struck up a conversation, lumbering me wi the Beggar, the General Franco. Ah realised that it hud been a long time since ah’d drank wi Begbie oan ma ain, withoot other mates tae offer occasional respite. Alone was stressful.
Tae get ma attention, Begbie