Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh [75]
(pause)
Ah mean ah didnae really see the point. Ah knew ah wisnae gaunnae stey fir long. If ah wanted a blether, ah’d go tae the pub. If ah wanted a ride ah’d go tae a prostitute.
Dr Forbes: You spent time with prostitutes?
Me: Aye.
Dr Forbes: Was this because you lacked confidence in your ability to form social and sexual attachments with women at the University?
(pause)
Me: Naw, ah did meet a couple ay lassies.
Dr Forbes: What happened?
Me: Ah wis only interested in sex, rather than a relationship. Ah didnae really huv the motivation tae disguise that fact. Ah saw these women purely as a means ay satisfying ma sexual urges. Ah decided it wis mair honest tae go tae a prostitute instead, rather than play a game ay deception. Ah wis quite a moral fucker in these days. So ah blew ma grant money oan prostitutes, and nicked food and books. That’s what started the thievin. It wisnae really the junk, though that obviously didnae help.
Dr Forbes: Mmmm. Can we go back to your brother, the one with the handicap. How did you feel about him?
Me: No really sure . . . look, the guy wis jist ootay it. He wisnae thair. Totally paralysed. Aw he’d dae wis tae sit in that chair wi his heid turned tae the side. Aw he could dae wis blink n swallow. Sometimes he made wee noises . . . he wis like an object, rather than a person.
(pause)
Ah suppose ah resented um whin ah wis younger. Ah mean, ma Ma would just take um oot in this pram. This big, outsized thing in a fuckin pram, likes. It made me n ma big brar, Billy, the laughin stock wi the other kids. Wid git: ‘Your brother’s a spastic’ or ‘Your brother’s a zombie’ and aw that sortay shite. Jist bairns, ah ken, but itdoesnae seem like that at the time. Because ah wis tall n awkward as a wee laddie, ah started tae believe thit thir wis something wrong wi me n aw, that ah wis somehow like Davie . . .
(long pause)
Dr Forbes: So you felt a resentment towards your brother.
Me: Aye, as a bairn, a wee laddie, like. Then he went intae the hoespital. Ah suppose it wis, likes, problem solved, ken. Sortay ootay sight, ootay mind. Ah visited um a few times, but thir didnae seem tae be any point. Nae interaction, ken? Ah jist saw it as a cruel twist ay life. Pen* Davie goat dealt the shitest possible hand. Fuckin sad, but ye cannae greet aboot it fir the rest ay yir puff. He wis in the best place fir um, gittin well looked eftir. Whin he died, ah felt guilty aboot resentin um, guilty aboot mibbe no huvin made a bit mair ay an effort. What kin ye dae though?
(pause)
Dr Forbes: Have you talked about these feelings before?
Me: Naw . . . well, mibbe mentioned it tae ma Ma n faither
That was how it used tae go. A loat ay issues brought up; some trivial, some heavy, some dull, some interesting. Sometimes ah telt the truth, sometimes ah lied. When ah lied, ah sometimes said the things that ah thought he’d like tae hear, n sometimes said something which ah thought would wind him up, or confuse him.
Fucked if ah could see the connection between any ay that and me takin smack, but.
Ah did learn a few things though, based oan Forbes’s disclosures and ma ain researches into psychoanalysis and how ma behaviour should be interpreted. Ah have an unresolved relationship wi ma deid brother, Davie, as ah huv been unable tae work oot or express ma feelings about his catatonic life and subsequent death. Ah have oedipal feelings towards ma mother and an attendant unresolved jealousy towards ma faither. Ma junk behaviour is anal in concept, attention-seeking, yes, but instead of withholding the faeces tae rebel against parental authority, ah’m pittin smack intae ma body tae claim power over it vis-à-vis society in general. Radge, eh?
Aw this might or might no be true. Ah’ve pondered ower a loat ay it, and ah’m willin tae explore it; ah don’t feel defensive aboot any ay it. However, ah feel that it’s at best peripheral tae the issue ay ma addiction. Certainly,