True Porn Clerk Stories - Ali Davis [22]
Until, of course, I saw the box for Gay Bukkake. Yup. Same deal, only it's a man in the center. I realized that I found straight bukkake degrading, but gay bukkake merely incredibly disgusting. Did that make me a sexist, or was I penalizing straight men for being straight? So except for the disgusting part, I had to pencil in a new opinion.
Occasionally I get caught up in the principle of a thing, and when my manager mentioned the no-more-bukkake decision I actually started to argue with her. It took me a couple of minutes to ratchet my brain down from the logistics of it and remember that I loathe having to look at the bukkake boxes and having them out of the store would suit me fine.
So I backed out of an ethical debate and went against my newfound principles for my own comfort.
What a wuss.
The Art of the Shuffle
I've been torturing my morning customers lately.
The store has been creeping up my opening shifts over the past several months anyway, and now that S. is gone almost all of my shifts are openers. There are plenty of random freakos that shuffle in and out in the morning, but most of the people that come in at 7 a.m. are regulars.
To open the door at 7:00, I arrive at about 6:30. My rule is, if I'm hitting the door at 6:30 a.m., I can play whatever the fuck I want on the stereo to keep myself awake. Thus, the torture.
What keeps me awake is Aquarium, by Aqua. You may remember Aqua -- they were a Danish-Norwegian technopop group that won both worldwide fame and my heart by pissing off Mattel with the song "Barbie Girl".
I honestly can't remember why I bought the entire CD. I know I wanted to use the song for something, but why didn't I just get the single? This would have been back in 97 or so when the song came out, and at the time I had a full-time job and actual disposable income, but still. Anyway, I used the song on a mix tape or something and then never really listened to the whole CD.
…Until I took this job. Shifts can become gulags of boredom without the CD player. My collection isn't exactly huge, so before long I was digging back through the pile.
And that's when I discovered that I love Aquarium. It's the very finest in Scandinavian synth-pop dance music. It's also incredibly chipper, in a modern Abbaesque sort of way. Years ago, I went out a couple of times with a guy who had been to Sweden and he said you really couldn't understand Abba until you'd traveled through a Scandinavian winter. I think he meant that they need that level of perkiness to keep themselves awake and sane during those endless cold nights, and I can't help but think that Aqua was doing the same public service.
Whatever they did for the Scandinavians, it really cheers me up first thing in the morning. "Barbie Girl" is great, of course, but the one that has most won my heart is the first track, "Happy Boys & Girls". After an opening synthesizer blast, the opening lyrics go like this:
Be HAPPY!
(Come on, let's go get it on!)
Be HAPPY!
Be HAPPY!
(Come on, let's go get it on!)
Be HAPPY!
And it just keeps getting better.
There's also a delightfully baffling song called "Doctor Jones":
Doctor Jones, Jones,
Calling Doctor Jones,
Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones get up now!
(Wake up, now!)
(Female lead yodels like a cowgirl)
I don't know if it's the lyrics written by non-native speakers of English or simply the relentless throbbing disco beat, but I just can't get enough of it.
Or, more accurately, I just can't open the store without it. I play it every time I open. The whole album. I can't help it -- the morning just isn't complete without it. If I time it just right, I can hit "play" when I'm rounding the counter and the lead singer screams "Be HAPPY!" just as I open the door.
I am happy, but I know it's driving my customers crazy. The songs have been