Truth - Al Franken [138]
6 Here’s the truth about the transmitter. There wasn’t a transmitter. If they wanted to use a transmitter, they could have used a much smaller transmitter. You can get really tiny ones. Also, the Secret Service told The Hill that the bulge was caused by a bulletproof vest.
1 One key difference was that, unlike the scurrilous Texas chainsaw story, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth were the beneficiaries of a nationwide publicity campaign initially financed by Karl Rove’s inner circle of political donors. The Texas chainsaw story never got a thin dime from the Gore money men. This is a mistake we shan’t repeat.
2 Actually, besides being a great journalist, Ted is one of the straightest guys I know (which could mean he’s gay). Also, I have no evidence that he fusses with his hair.
1 Pennsylvania Senator Harris Wofford, a cofounder of the Peace Corps and former aide to both JFK and Martin Luther King, was defeated in 1994 by Rick Santorum. The knee injury story is made up for comedic purposes. It is one of the “jokes” promised in my subtitle. See if you can find the other one.
1 Here’s the full transcript of the ad:
ANNOUNCER: First, Kerry said defeating terrorism was really more about law enforcement and intelligence than a strong military operation. More about law enforcement than a strong military? Now Kerry says, “We have to get back to the place where terrorists are a nuisance like gambling and prostitution . . . we’re never going to end them.” Terrorism—a nuisance? How can Kerry protect us when he doesn’t understand the threat?
BUSH: I’m George W. Bush and I approve this message.
2 I sure hope Ben and Beth stay together.
1 “I favor the death penalty for abortionists and others who take life.” Tom Coburn to the Associated Press, “Coburn Different Kind of Political Cat,” July 9, 2004. Here’s another great thing about Coburn. In 1997, he condemned NBC for its prime-time airing of Schindler’s List, saying it took network programming to “an all-time low” by exposing children to, among other things, “vile language, full frontal nudity and irresponsible sexual activity.”
2 I’m using “factoid” here in its original and proper sense. Most people think that a factoid is an interesting little fact. It’s not. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a factoid is, in actuality, a “piece of unverified or inaccurate information that is presented in the press as factual and that is then accepted as true because of frequent repetition.” Ironically, the wrong meaning of the word “factoid” has come into common usage because of frequent repetition.
3 Bush wasn’t “elected” in 2000. Thus, he was “elected” to his second term, not “reelected,” and is entitled to run again in 2008. That’s the downside of holding this position.
4 That is because pagans are what’s called a “structural” component of the vote, which goes in predictable proportions to Democrats, Republicans, and, even more, the Libertarian, Green, and Natural Law parties.
5Here’s another little wrinkle. The Fourth National Survey of Religion and Politics conducted by the Ray C. Bliss Institute of Applied Politics at the University of Akron determined that Kerry took 82 percent of the vote among atheists and agnostics. Which I suppose makes sense, although you’d think agnostics would be swing voters.
6 As it so happens, I ran into Dr. Dobson at the 2005 White House Correspondents Dinner, where we were both guests of ABC News. “It must be great to always know the absolute truth,” I said to him admiringly. “It’s such a burden for the rest of us.” Dobson got the joke but immediately launched into a vivid, gory description of a late-term abortion procedure.