Turn of Mind - Alice LaPlante [97]
You didn’t clean up the OR, she says.
It’s Fiona, Mom, your daughter. Here to say hello. Mark wants to come, but his work has been busy, too. He has a big case now, isn’t that exciting? They finally trusted him with an important one. He promises to come soon.
Mark is dead.
No, Mom, Mark, your son. He’s very much alive. He’s doing well. Much better. You’d be proud of him.
She can’t forget the OR. It is on her mind. Her vision of the day. A burning image.
You didn’t adequately prep for your procedure, she says. It was a mess from start to finish! Wherever did you do your training?
My undergraduate and master’s degrees at Stanford, Mom. You know that. And then back here for my doctorate at Chicago.
Sloppy. Sloppy and inexact. Have I taught you nothing? Skull base surgeries are delicate. Under the best of conditions you must be careful. But this is unsanitary, even brutal.
Mom.
That accounts for all the blood, of course.
Mom, please keep your voice down.
Then, louder, the man-woman person addresses the blue-suited woman sitting in the corner of the room. May we have a little privacy? We have some matters to discuss and it is difficult with a third party in the room.
It’s against rules.
I know, but just this once? Here. Here’s fifty dollars. Go have a smoke or a cup of coffee. No one will know. Nothing will happen. You can lock us in, that’s no problem. Just give us a little privacy.
Okay, but I’ll be waiting right outside.
The woman leaves the room. There is a rattling, then a click as the door is locked from the outside.
Mom, we’re alone, we can talk now.
She’s not sure what this person wants. She? He? has got both hands on her arms at this point, is squeezing too hard. It hurts.
Mom, are you remembering? Do you remember? What do you remember?
A botched job. Cruelty. You must never be cruel, however the temptation. And for many, it is a temptation.
What do you remember?
There is much pathology among surgeons. If patients knew, they’d be even more frightened of going under the knife than they already are.
Are you recalling that night?
I know some things.
What do you know?
I have these visions.
Yes? The person is growing agitated. Their green eyes are fixed on hers.
It can be difficult, she says. She is exerting herself, trying to break through the noise, trying to see past the blood. The clumsy job. The unmoving patient.
But you are having a vision now? Mom? Are you?
Quia peccavimus tibi.
What is that? Italian? Spanish?
Miserere nostri.
Mom.
My darling girl. Of course I had to help her.
The person is crying. Mom, please. The woman will be back soon. You must be careful what you say.
My darling girl. And yet I didn’t want her. I took one look and said, No, take her away. Get me back to work, fast. Give me my body back, free of this parasite. And she turned out to be the most important thing. The thing I’d do anything for.
Stop, Mom, you’re breaking my heart. The creature is now pacing up and down the room, beating its arms against its side, seemingly intent upon doing itself an injury. I would have told them everything if you had remembered. I would never have done this to you. Every day I think of turning myself in. No. Every hour. I’ll never have peace again.
It stops for a moment, takes a breath, and then continues.
Do you remember why? I want you to know why. I told you that night, but we never spoke of it again. I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to bring up something you may have put out of your mind. Do you want me to tell you again? It was for us, for the family. Amanda knew. She confronted me. She would have told.
Yes, I knew that she knew. That she would have figured it out. Too smart, my girl.
Mom, at first it was that I just couldn’t make the numbers make sense. But I didn’t know for a while exactly what Dad had done. Then it all became clear. The extent of it. It was a shock, I tell you. Dad!
The money was ours. James earned it.
You mean he stole it, Mom.
Yes.