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I went back inside and headed straight for Madeline’s room. I quietly opened her door, and just like I’d done every night since the day she was born, I kissed the tips of my fingers twice and touched her forehead. One kiss from me, and one from your mother. One for what could have been, and one for what will be.

Dear Madeline

It’s been three years since you first changed everything. Without you in my life, I wouldn’t have one at all.

You’re the one who has gotten me through…

Through my darkest hours.

Through my most difficult moments.

Through the times I miss your mom the most.

Because of you I’ve been able to confront a lifetime of memories.

Together we’ve walked where she walked in Los Angeles, New York, Minneapolis, Vancouver, Akumal, Paris, Singapore, Kathmandu, Agra, and so many other places. And so many more to come, too.

I’ve hugged you close as I stood in the place where I met her.

I’ve floated with you in the same waters where I swam with her.

I’ve squeezed your hand as you walked the steps where I asked her to marry me.

I’ve held you tightly while standing where I vowed to love her forever.

I’ve cradled you in my arms in the place where she died.

Because of you I can wake up in the morning.

Because of you I can smile.

Because of you I am.

And when I look at you, I see so many things.

Happiness.

Hope.

A future.

And though you only met her once, I see so much of your mom in you:

The way you put your left hand on your hip while scolding me and pointing at me with your right.

The way you say “nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh no” when I ask you to do something you don’t want to do.

The way you clap your hands together under your chin when you get excited about a cupcake.

The blonde hair she paid so much to have.

Your smile.

The look in your big blue eyes when you say, “I love you too, daddy.”

That’s your mom.

You’re of her.

She’s in you.

And it’s through this book, our travels, the memories, and the photos that I hope you learn about the woman who loved you more than you will ever know.

I’d give anything in the world to have her back here with us. I’d give everything. Everything but you.

Here’s to a lifetime of joy.

Love,

Dad

P.S. You were a great baby. You better be an even better teenager.

Acknowledgments

Any omissions are unintentional.

Without the help of the following people, this book would not be possible: Rachel Sussman, Eve Bridburg, and the folks at Zachary Shuster Harmsworth. Special thanks to Sandra Bark for getting me to where I needed to be. Extra special thanks to my editor Amanda Englander for pushing me to get this done and for not giving up on me when I missed each and every deadline.

I’d like to thank all of my friends in Kathmandu and Bangalore, especially the Bista family, Anish Divakaran, Karthik Ramachandran, Vidushi Lath, Vinod Sankar, Shreyas Pandit, Srikant Suvvaru, Eshwari Shunmuganathan, and Scattle.

These people have been wonderful to us over the past three years: the nurses at Huntington Hospital, Dr. Sharon Nelson, Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, my blog readers and the Creeps, especially Rachel Engebretson, Kris Stutz, Darcie Gust, Nancy Reins, Laurie Henry, Gina Brown, Chris Tuttle, Kate Siegel, Christa Rokita, Michelle Moore, Ali Smith, Cara Ulm, Katie Jackson, Becky Peterson, Leigh Acevedo, Kelly McElligott, Marissa Colvin, Maureen Casey, Teal Fyrberg, Sol in Argentina, Meggin Juraska, Marcy, Piper and Bailey, Kim Barth, Tricia Madden, Katy Epler, Danielle Ireland, and Kate Sowa, Jackie Chandler, Kim Lucio, Kay and Mae at Cribsheet, Kristine Lazar, Pat Pheifer, Jana Shortal, Bea Chang, Gina Lee, Briana McDonnell, Tom and Cass, Michele Neff Hernandez, the employees, HR, and management teams at CAST, Disney, and Yahoo!, and the volunteers and donors of the Liz Logelin Foundation.

I am grateful for the support of my friends, especially the Ash, Keen, Caufield, Dumper, Nuruki, Sowers, Spohr, Gay-Rose, and Jensen families, Lindsay Lewis, Chrissy Coppa,