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By Root 310 0

a little too hard when the sound of the doctor’s tools made a loud noise. A few minutes into the delivery, my eyes fixated on the clear plastic tube that stretched from behind the blue sheet, transporting way more blood than I ever would have imagined across the room and into a big, enclosed, cylindrical device. I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. Fuck. This was exactly what I was worried about when I told Liz I couldn’t be in the delivery room. I felt the sweat soaking into my hospital-​issued hat, and my chest tightening as I thought about fainting. I knew it was all in my head, yet the more I tried to get over it, the closer I got to these thoughts actually manifesting themselves into actions—actions that would result in diverting the attention of the hospital staff in my direction, away from my wife and daughter.

I felt like such a failure as a partner. I knew that I couldn’t do that to Liz, so I quickly talked myself into pulling my shit together. I stared down at the hospital identification bracelet hanging loosely around her wrist, straining my eyes to read the tiny print. I started to feel the way I felt after drinking a bottle and a half of red wine, like I was circling the drain of some giant bathtub. I needed something else, another point of focus.

I looked to my left and found Liz. I stared at her face, studying each pore, every freckle. I admired the extraordinary vividness of her blue eyes glinting beneath the hot lights of the delivery room, and with my own eyes I smoothed out every hint of a wrinkle on her face. Wrinkles barely visible even at this close distance; wrinkles that would inevitably deepen as we grew old together.

As I stared, I realized that I had never seen her face this closely. I couldn’t believe how different she was from the Liz I’d been looking at for a little more than twelve years. She was even more gorgeous than I remembered, and right then I felt like the luckiest motherfucker in the world. It was the beauty of her face that brought me out of my stupor and into the place I needed to be for her and for our baby.

Chapter 5

madeline met mom.

mom met madeline.

i cried a little.

cleaned up my act.

cut the cord.

and took a nice close-up of baby.

madeline took a little trip to the nicu.

mom took a nap.

i paced.

All of a sudden I heard a baby screaming. Then I had a moment of clarity. Holy shit! That’s not a baby! That’s our baby! A few weeks ago, we had been worried about our daughter’s lungs being fully developed. A nurse told us that if she came out screaming, it was a good indication that she was doing well. I started crying immediately upon hearing that little scream. Liz, on the other hand, panicked. “Is she okay? Is she okay?”

“Yes, Liz, she’s doing great! Don’t you hear her screaming?” I squeezed my wife’s hand as hard as I could, in an attempt to calm her down, to let her know that all of the pain, all of her hard work, had paid off.

From behind the blue shield came Dr. Nelson’s voice. “Guys, she looks great. She is absolutely beautiful.”

I looked at the clock hanging high on the wall. The red, interconnected vertical and horizontal lines formed by a series of LED lights came together to indicate the exact minute our lives changed—11:56 a.m.

Before I knew it there was a nurse at my side, directing me toward the sink. Standing nearby was another nurse, holding my daughter in a generic blue, pink, and white striped blanket. My first glimpse of her took my breath away. Yes, there was a small amount of goo stuck to her face and in her hair, but wow! She had hair! I could see it around her ears, sticking out from underneath the little knit hat that was already on her head. And her nose! It’s beautiful, and her cheeks are full, and she has the same chin as me! And her eyes! Her eyes are closed, but I bet they look just like Liz’s eyes! Wait! How tall is she? How much does she weigh? No one counted her fingers and toes! Are there ten of each? My mind was racing. The thrill I felt upon seeing my daughter was unlike anything I’d ever felt