Two Kisses for Maddy_ A Memoir of Loss & Love - Matthew Logelin [19]
For the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, I shuttled between the NICU and Liz’s hospital room. I found it hilarious, but Liz had a serious fear that our child would be ugly, though deep down I think she knew Madeline would be gorgeous. Nonetheless, each time I came back from visiting Madeline, Liz insisted on seeing the latest photos and asked me if she was beautiful. I promised that she was, and I showed her the photos, sharing details about each of my successive trips. I told her about using a syringe to slowly push what the doctor called a “baby cheeseburger,” a high-fat liquid formula, through the feeding tube directly into her stomach, and I teased her mercilessly that I was one, two, three diaper changes ahead of her and that she would have to catch up when we all finally made it home.
When our expected company arrived at the hospital, they came in and hugged Liz, talking to her for a short time. It was obvious who the grandparents were really there to see, so we left Liz alone and I walked them down the hall. Because of NICU visitor restrictions, I had to accompany each of them, one at a time, to see and touch their grandchild, while the other two looked in at us through the window. Sometime between my last visit and this one, the oxygen tube had been removed from Madeline’s face and the tube in her mouth had been moved to her nose. Much to my relief, the straps had left no visible indents on her head or her cheeks.
We went back to say good night to Liz before I walked her parents, Tom and Candee, and my mom to the rooms they had booked in the hotel attached to the hospital. I stopped in to check on Madeline one last time on her first day of existence before heading to Liz’s room to sleep. I knew there would be a lot of late nights coming up, so I decided to take advantage of the NICU nurses, telling them that I wouldn’t be coming in for any of the overnight feedings. March 24 had been a big day. I needed some rest.
Chapter 6
the proud parents will continue to update everyone on our beautiful baby.
look forward to even more good news.
(i know we will).
I woke up before Liz early the next morning and sneaked out to go see our baby. When I arrived, the nurse asked if I would like to hold her this time.
I couldn’t believe I was going to be able to hold Madeline. I hadn’t asked, but I had assumed I wouldn’t be able to do so for a few weeks. She still had the wires attached to her body, and the feeding tube was still present. “Yes, but how?” I said.
“Very carefully,” the nurse replied. I watched as she opened up the side of the Madeline’s incubator and slid the wires and feeding tube through the openings at its bottom end.
I sat down in a blue rocking chair, and for the first time in my life I held my daughter. I was surprised by my reaction. I’m generally not very emotional, and if ever I felt the urge to cry in public before, I certainly would have suppressed it. But when I held Madeline, I just let the tears fall. I suddenly recognized the feeling that overcame me—it was the same wave of contentment and relief that hit me when she had come out screaming the day before. With her temporarily out of that incubator and in my arms, I knew she was going to be fine. And I couldn’t wait to tell Liz.
I finished up Maddy’s feeding and headed back to Liz’s hospital room. She was awake when I got there. “How is she doing?” she asked, eyes wide with the kind of anticipation she usually reserved for the moment the dessert menu was recited to her at her favorite restaurant.
“I got to hold her,” I said, smiling wide enough to show my teeth (something I rarely did).
She immediately sat up, wincing a bit