Two Kisses for Maddy_ A Memoir of Loss & Love - Matthew Logelin [36]
As I searched the wall for at least one possible option, the funeral director, perhaps sensing my disapproval, started talking again. “You don’t necessarily need an urn. You can also have her remains stored inside a plastic bag and then placed inside a cardboard box.”
I had no idea what to say. He continued, “And you can either come pick her up, or we can mail her to your house.” I was stunned. I was completely unprepared for this.
“Uh… no. I am not picking her up, and there is no way in hell you’re mailing her to my house. Are there any other options?” He gave me some speech about state law prohibiting funeral homes from holding remains after some predetermined amount of time.
I was becoming visibly agitated. I was still in shock. Was I really standing here making funeral plans for Liz? My mom noticed my growing unease and stepped in. “Matt, I’ll make a few phone calls and see if my funeral director friend in Minnesota can hold on to her until you’re ready to make a decision.” I was sick of making choices, and was desperate for someone to do so for me. I was so thankful to have help at that moment—it was exactly what I needed.
We all headed back into the front room so I could sign the necessary paperwork and make the rest of the arrangements. We agreed that the service would be held in the chapel at the funeral home on Saturday in order to give as many people as possible the opportunity to attend. I insisted that religion be left out because I wanted the focus to remain on Liz, rather than on the not-shared belief that God had taken her to a better place.
I thought the questions were over until the funeral director asked how many death certificates I wanted.
“None. I don’t want any death certificates. I know she’s dead,” I replied. Really. The last thing I needed was another reminder that my wife was never going to hold her baby.
“Mr. Logelin, you’ll need at least a few copies in order to settle her estate issues.”
Estate issues? I hadn’t even begun to think about her bank accounts, credit cards, and the countless other issues I was going to have to deal with over the next few weeks. This was most definitely not my area of expertise. Tom stepped in. “Matt, why don’t we order ten copies so you have extras, just in case you need them.” Once again, it was wonderful to have someone else make a decision for me. These were simple questions requiring simple answers, but to me, they were questions I never imagined I would have to answer. Especially not at age thirty.
When we headed back to the hospital, I went straight for Madeline. I saw her lying in her incubator and the tears immediately started to flow. But these tears were different from the ones I’d been crying for the past few days; these were tears of relief. Right then, watching Madeline’s little chest move up and down as she breathed, I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with any of this without her. Just two days old and she was already saving me in a way that none of my friends and family could.
Chapter 10
inside, where you
used to be,
though filled with
your things,
it’s as empty
as it was the
day we moved in.
Early Friday morning, I finally arrived back at my house. In the same way that I couldn’t let Liz spend a night alone when she was on bed rest, I couldn’t let Maddy be alone at the hospital, either, so I’d been sleeping at the attached hotel and planned to do so until she was ready to come home.
Behind me on the porch was a small army of friends and family there to support me as I entered our home for the first time since Liz died; I was not looking forward to this. I unlocked the door and rushed inside alone to deactivate the alarm. I walked through the kitchen and straight into our bedroom. It was exactly as it had been the