Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories [10]
I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't know the little thing was rubber.
Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.
Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a comin'.
My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots
THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,
That over my memory scoots,
When I think of my boyhood days once again
And my fust pair of copper toed boots.
How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,
And bravely marched out on the floor,
And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit
And the best to be had at the store."
That night, I remember, I took them to bed,
With the rest of us little galoots,
And among other things in my prars which I sed
Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.
And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand
Wuz me and my new acquisition,
And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,
From the garret clar down to the kitchen.
Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,
I concluded I'd help do the chores;
Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust
If I didn't git right out of doors.
But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,
And I couldn't get one way or tother,
And I jist had to stand right there in one spot
And holler like thunder fer mother.
But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise
Fer I larned right thar on the spot,
That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world
Is that by experience taught.
So though many years have since passed away,
And I've ventured on various routes,
I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today
As my fust pair of copper toed boots.
Uncle Josh in Police Court
I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys-- Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor."
Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.
Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a comin'.
My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots
THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,
That over my memory scoots,
When I think of my boyhood days once again
And my fust pair of copper toed boots.
How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,
And bravely marched out on the floor,
And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit
And the best to be had at the store."
That night, I remember, I took them to bed,
With the rest of us little galoots,
And among other things in my prars which I sed
Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.
And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand
Wuz me and my new acquisition,
And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,
From the garret clar down to the kitchen.
Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,
I concluded I'd help do the chores;
Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust
If I didn't git right out of doors.
But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,
And I couldn't get one way or tother,
And I jist had to stand right there in one spot
And holler like thunder fer mother.
But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise
Fer I larned right thar on the spot,
That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world
Is that by experience taught.
So though many years have since passed away,
And I've ventured on various routes,
I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today
As my fust pair of copper toed boots.
Uncle Josh in Police Court
I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys-- Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor."