Under The Net - Iris Murdoch [89]
tell a dog's age by looking in his mouth,' I said. 'So Sammy's one down there too,' said Madge. I didn't care. I was thinking about Mars. Mars was old. He would do no more work. He would not swim flooded rivers any more, or scramble over high fences, or fight with bears in lonely places. His strength was waning and his intelligence would avail him nothing. He would soon die. This discovery completed the circle of my sadness; and with it my resolution crystallized. 'I can't do it, Madge,' I said. 'You're insane!' said Madge. 'Why, Jake, why?' 'I don't know very clearly,' I said. 'I only know it would be the death of me.' Madge came up to me. Her eyes were as hard as agate. 'This is real life, Jake,' she said. 'You'd better wake up.' And she struck me hard across the mouth. I recoiled slightly with the sudden pain of the blow. We stood so for a moment, and she sustained my gaze while the tears gathered slowly in her eyes. Then I received her into my arms. 'Jake,' said Madge into my shoulder, 'don't leave me.' I half carried her to the settee. I felt calm and resolute. I knelt beside her and took her head, brushing her hair back with my hand. Her face rose towards me like a lifting flower. 'Jake,' said Madge, 'I must have you with me. That was what it was all for. Don't you see?' I nodded. I drew my hand back over her smooth hair and down on to the warmth of her neck. 'Jake, say something,' said Madge. 'It can't be done,' I said. Madge was lanc� nor could I know after describing what parabola she would finally return to earth. There was nothing I could do for her. 'There is nothing I can do for you,' I said. 'You could stick around,' said Madge. 'That would be everything.' I shook my head. 'Look, Madge,' I said, let me be simple. I might tell you that I cared for you too much to be willing to stand by while you go to bed with the men who can help you to become a star. But that wouldn't be true. If I cared for you a bit more perhaps I should want to do precisely that. The fact is that I must live my own life. And it simply doesn't lie in this direction.' Madge looked at me through real tears. She played her last card. 'If it's Anna,' she said, 'you know that I wouldn't mind. I mean, perhaps I'd mind, but that wouldn't matter. I just want you near me.' 'It's no use, Madge,' I said, and I stood up. At that moment I loved her deeply. A few minutes later I was going down the stairs.
Fifteen
I crossed the road and walked automatically towards the river. I collided with people on the pavements and was nearly run over several times. My legs were trembling under me. When I reached the Seine I sat down on a seat. I took off my coat, and found that my shirt was drenched with sweat. I unbuttoned my shirt and ran my hand about my chest and under my arms. I wasn't at all sure what it was that I had done, but I knew that it was something important. Just then it felt like committing a murder when drunk. As I looked about me, Paris recomposed itself like a reflection which ceases to waver as the water becomes still. At last it was as still as glass. What had I done? Refused a net sum which, on the assumption that it would have taken me at least six months to get the sack, could be reckoned at twelve hundred pounds. Refused an easy step out of the world of continual penury into the world of perpetual money. And what for? For nothing. At that moment my action seemed to me completely pointless. In Madge's room I had seemed to see some reason why it was necessary. Now I couldn't for the life of me think what that reason could have been. I got up and walked across the iron bridge. The clock at the Institut said ten past twelve. And as I walked a great truth became apparent to me. Nothing in the world was more important than money. Why had I not understood this before? Madge had been right when she had said that it was real life. It was the one thing needful; and I had rejected it. I felt like Judas. I stopped to look at Paris. Its gentle colours awoke for me, clear but not violent under the July sun. The fishermen were fishing, and the fi�urs