Unexpectedly, Milo - Matthew Dicks [34]
These fantasy moments made no sense to Milo. Though they seemed delightfully spontaneous and blisteringly sexy on screen, the reality of the situation was that the human body was not designed to engage in upright sexual relations. The mere positioning of the penis and vagina on their respective owners made certain positions much simpler to accomplish, so why the upright version of sex was admired by so many was baffling to Milo.
Furthermore, this was not a position that anyone should attempt past the age of thirty, as one’s strength and agility diminished. Attempting it past that age would only serve to emphasize the debilitating effects of advancing years on the couple.
Milo should have known better and avoided this trap.
In addition, Milo doubted that he had any chance of achieving orgasm in this ridiculous position. The strength required to support his wife’s entire body, as well as the concentration and balance necessary to remain connected made any hope of orgasm seem pointless. Even in the standard missionary position, Milo found that it took him longer to achieve orgasm than it once did, and contrary to commonly held beliefs about men and women and sex, this did not always sit well with his wife. Though he took pride in his stamina, there were many nights when Christine wanted the action to end quickly, something that Milo found increasingly difficult to accomplish as he got older. It simply took longer to climax since he’d entered his thirties, and in Milo’s estimation, this was not a bad thing. Sex felt good, so the more time he spent doing it, the better. Yet many times Christine would encourage Milo to orgasm before he was good and ready (and even able), and this added pressure for speed, much like the pressure for speed that he had felt in the Arugula restroom, made it nearly impossible to accomplish something that he could once manage in twenty seconds or less as a teenager.
As a result, Milo frequently faked orgasms with his wife, which he intended to do this evening.
He often wondered if other men faked orgasms, but he could never bring himself to ask. In fact, Milo’s understanding of sex in general had come along slowly and at times painfully. The extent of his parents’ instruction on copulation came one night after Milo had moved in to a partially finished basement bedroom as a teenager.
“You can do whatever you’d like with girls down here,” his father had advised. “Just don’t get them pregnant.”
That was the first and last time that his parents spoke to him about the birds and the bees.
As a result, Milo’s initial understanding of sex was limited. Growing up in a small town prior to the advent of the Internet didn’t help, and his lack of knowledge occasionally caused problems. It wasn’t until a few years ago, for example, that Milo could say for certain that he was circumcised. He was aware of the two types of penis, had seen both varieties in the locker room at the gym, and knew that his penis did not resemble the ones that appeared to be wrapped like German sausages. But he did not know if his penis, the type which he was inclined to prefer, was circumcised or uncircumcised and was therefore never confident enough to declare his penile status until finally finding definitive photos of each online. Mistakes such as misidentifying his own penis were ones that Milo had tried desperately to avoid since childhood.
When he was thirteen, a bunch of older kids in his Boy Scout troop questioned Milo on his knowledge of sex on the way to a campfire jamboree. In the back of his scoutmaster’s van, bench seats and no seat belts in those days, Brian Dean, Eddy Lindo, and several other brutes had asked Milo if he knew what a rubber was. Milo was certain that