Unexpectedly, Milo - Matthew Dicks [75]
Milo had seen Freckles in many private moments like this. Exclusively private moments, in fact. But this was the first time that he had seen her happy, if only for a second. Milo also experienced similar flashes of happiness, moments when his secrets faded away from consciousness for a time, replaced by the normal, everyday pleasures of a normal, everyday person. But for Milo, and likely for Freckles, these moments were brief and fleeting, and regardless of the happiness that he might have felt, there was always a pall cast over his joy, a constant, unwavering awareness that there was something much bigger looming overhead. There was the fear of discovery, of course, but more than that, there was the knowledge that a lifetime of isolation lay ahead. Like the cashier with an endless line of unsatisfied customers, Milo felt his existence stretched out before him like a line of brief and fragmentary moments of joy amid a lifetime of tiring, unending vigilance and loneliness.
In this singular moment, Milo was certain that Freckles was happy, but more important, he knew like no other that she too faced a lifetime marked by fitful, solitary moments of delight. He knew that regardless of the joy in this victory, Freckles would eventually find herself in her brown and blue colonial later that night, burdened with thoughts of Meera Singh and Tess Bryson.
Secrets that only he knew.
There was nothing that Milo could do for himself, no way of eliminating the persistence and weight of his inexplicable demands (he was, in fact, in need of a jelly jar at this very moment). Even if he had found the courage to share his secrets with Christine or Andy or even Freckles, nothing would ever change for him. The relentless submariner in his head who issued forth his demands would remain, undaunted and unchallenged, regardless of his confession. Milo knew in that moment, with absolute certainty, that the truth would never set him free. The subterfuge and stratagem could perhaps end, but to reveal his secret would risk the loss of people who he cared about most, and it would likely cost him his dignity as well. Even if he found the courage to tell his friends or family about the karaoke or the bowling or the pressure seals, he didn’t think he could ever face them again afterward.
But he thought that there might be a chance for Freckles, an opportunity for her to be unburdened by her secrets. By telling someone about Tess Bryson, Freckles might be made to realize that she was not to blame, and perhaps Milo could be that person for her.
In that moment, Milo realized that there was something else that he might do for Freckles, something more powerful and convincing than simply telling her that she was not to blame. Like the need to pop a pressure seal or sing karaoke, this idea came on him unexpectedly, a dim light glimmering in a dark room, but in moments, the idea overwhelmed him, expanding to fill every corner and crevice of his mind, the Big Bang of his brain, so large and consuming that it nearly replaced his current need for a jar of jelly.
Yes, he would eventually return the camera and the tapes to her.
Yes, he could be the confidant that Freckles needed.
And yes, he could be the one to convince her that Meera Singh’s death and Tess Bryson’s disappearance were not her fault.
But first, there was something else he must do. An idea that emerged in his head, fully formed. And as outrageous and ridiculous and unlikely