Until the Dawn's Light_ A Novel - Aharon Appelfeld [33]
“Thank you, but I have to return home,” said Blanca. “Adolf comes home at three thirty, sometimes even at three. If his meal isn’t ready, he’ll beat me.”
“Just don’t be afraid, my dear.”
“I’m not afraid anymore,” Blanca said, and hugged her.
“You mustn’t despair. We aren’t alone. There’s a God in heaven.”
“I know,” said Blanca, and she ran out to catch the noon train.
24
THAT VERY WEEK Blanca discovered she was pregnant. Fear seized her, and her body trembled. She didn’t tell Adolf a thing. Adolf kept on teaching her lessons, being angry with her and beating her. She would hold her breath and say to herself, If he knew I was pregnant, he would let up. She worked diligently in the house and in the garden. It seemed to her that if she worked hard and devotedly, she would placate him.
On Sundays his parents would come, and his brothers and sisters would cram into the house until there was no more room. The odor of beer would make her head spin, but Blanca tried to overcome that weakness as well. She would repeat to herself, Real life isn’t soft the way it was in my parents’ house, but thick and solid. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is laboring under a delusion. Now she tried to eat the way Adolf did, to sleep on her back the way he did, and to grow brown skin, but her body, to her misfortune, didn’t comply. Dizzy spells would attack her at times, and at night she would wake up and vomit. Finally, she told him she was pregnant.
“Pregnancy’s not a disease,” he responded.
“So why am I vomiting?”
“My sisters were pregnant, and they didn’t vomit.”
“Be merciful to me.” The words escaped from her lips.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I feel abandoned.”
“What are you talking about?”
Once a week she would sneak off to Himmelburg. Now it was her secret shelter. The director of the old age home had fallen ill meanwhile, and she lay in a narrow bed like one of the inmates. The welfare office of the Jewish community in Vienna promised to send a substitute director, but she was slow in arriving. From her sickbed, the director mumbled orders that could barely be understood. Theresa was now, in fact, the director. She fought with the cleaning women and with the suppliers, who threatened to sue the old age home for accumulated debts.
“Go ahead!” Theresa would say to them. “If they put the old people in prison, they’ll be better off. I’m prepared to go with them, too.” Blanca helped do laundry, clean the floors, and feed the weak residents. That exhausting work outside of her home brought her some relief, and every time she was able to escape, she did.
On one of her fleeting visits she told Theresa, “I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t expect any special treatment” was Theresa’s immediate reaction.
“He’ll keep beating me, even now?”
“He’ll keep on.”
“And what about the baby?”
“Protect it with both hands. That’s all you can do, no more.”
“Who would have thought?” said Blanca, covering her face with her hands.
One morning Adolf caught her at the train station buying a ticket at the window. Blanca froze on the spot and fainted. The people standing in line rushed to wash her face with water and call the medic. Adolf stood there like an oppressor, without taking his eyes off her. When she roused from her faint, he asked, “Where were you planning to go?”
“To Himmelburg.”
“What do you have there?”
“I wanted to look for my father.”
“Bitch,” he hissed.
She knew the end would be bitter, but where and when, she didn’t reckon. She felt heavy and shackled, as though in a nightmare, and with no way out. Everywhere she turned, the gate was shut in her face. Finally, having no other option, she spoke to her mother-in-law and begged for her mercy. Blanca’s mother-in-law didn’t like her. When she saw Blanca for the first time, she had fixed her with a hostile gaze, and that gaze had not changed over time. She regarded Blanca as a woman who was not engaged in life.
“Adolf beats me,” Blanca said.
A thin smile spread across her mother-in-law’s face, as though this were a trivial misdemeanor.
“I’m afraid